Stuff And Things

I'm in a place that I could have never imagined before. I have a lot of things going for me. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I love very much, and who loves me just the same. I'm in college and getting decent grades. I'm a bit strapped for cash, but I have all my needs provided for. I'm doing really good. My future actually looks great.

I've been going through some things, though, that have been troublesome. I've been sick with mono for since the beginning of November. I'm mostly over the mono, I just sometimes deal with the hepatitis that came in a combo deal with it. But it was difficult to do my school work, especially during the first few weeks of the sickness. I have to keep a good GPA for one of my scholarships, so it was really stressting me out.

Not having money and having to rely on other people for things is sometimes hard. I don't usually care too much about accepting kindness. I realize that sometimes it is simply best to accept a blessing and be grateful. But it's difficult for me to not be able to contribute more. Even in Christmas gifts or something, I'd like to express my gratitude and give something back, but I can't really depart with too much money. I can't drive. My parents screwed me over by never teaching me how to drive. I'm 20 years old and I don't have a driver's license. In fact, driving actually frightens me. I'm tired of being a burden to people who have to drive me around all the time. It also makes getting a job more difficult because I would need transportation, and I don't want to always rely on people to fit me into their schedules. So we're back to money.

I lost some very important footage the other day. It made me fall apart. I have no idea how it got lost. I wanted to blame someone, anyone, even myself, but I don't know whose fault it could be. So ultimately it's my failure. I ruined everything. Honestly, I thought about killing myself over it, but I couldn't do that while living here and stuff. But I did get very depressed. Still am, I guess. I've been getting stressed out a lot lately. It's not good for me.

Failure is something I'm not good at. I've always strived to be the best. It's like I have something to prove. Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough at being a person, so, in order to have some kind of value, I have to be good at things. I have to be smart. I have to be talented. I have to be funny. Why else would anyone want me to be a part of their life? Every time I mess up, every time I let someone down, every time I fail, it's devastating to me.

Past Few Weeks

The past few weeks have been some of the most trying times of my life.

I got into a physical fight with my father, got kicked out of my house, and my mother really hurt me emotionally. I've recently learned that having a good relationship with your parents is beneficial, so I've been trying to work on that. However, things have been worse than ever before as of late and they just got out of control.

Your family is supposed to be the people that will always be there for you. They should love you no matter what. They're supposed to support you. I feel abandoned.

My parents are trying to reconcile things with me, but a part of me feels that we're past that. I've been hurt too much. It would be nice to fix things, but almost just so I can get all my stuff out of the house and get my birth certificate and stuff. I also went to the eye doctor recently, so it would be nice to get my prescription so I could get new glasses. I guess insurance would come in handy too. And I want to see my younger brothers. I miss them. I just have no desire to have any relationship with my parents anymore.

I started college. Actually, I just finished my first week of classes. I'm stressed out. I honestly have no doubt that I'll pass my classes, I'm just freaking out about my GPA. I have to keep a good GPA for one of the scholarships that I have, and it's a nice scholarship. I want to keep it.

I was homeschooled since second grade, so I've never had to do any homework. I've also never really written any real papers. Because I had a great score on the English portion of the ACT, they figured I was really good at English and placed me in Advanced Expos & Research. I've never written a research paper in my life and felt that I was in over my head. I'm great at grammar and sentence structure, I just have no experience with that type of writing. I felt like I was playing catch up with the rest of the class. I dropped that class.

I've been feeling really sick the past few days. It might just be allergies, but there have been time when it was so overwhelming I honestly felt like I was dying. I'm trying to meet new people and make a good impression, but I always feel ridiculous with the way my voice sounds because of all this sinus stuff. It sucks.

Living with a roommate is different. I just wanna skype my girlfriend or watch netflix during any down time I have. But then I realize I should probably be considerate of him. I don't feel like I can completely be myself. He's a better person than I am and I feel bad saying or doing things I know he doesn't approve of.

All this stuff has been going on and usually I'd talk to my girlfriend about it, but she's been super busy. Her mom came out to visit her for her birthday, which was great, I'm really glad that they got to spend some time together. I know she needed that. But I just really need her a lot more than usual right now, you know? I try not to be needy on a regular basis, but I know that I'm needy right now. I feel lost and alone. Our 4 month anniversary came up. I know that might not be a big deal to most people, but we usually do something special on our month anniversaries. This time we barely got to talk at all. It made me sad. Her birthday was the next day and it was the same thing. In addition to just not being able to talk very long, I really just hated not being able to celebrate with her. I really wish I could have been there with her on her birthday. Things just keep coming up that keep her busy. I miss her a lot.

I'm scared about a lot of things. Financially, I have nothing. I have no money. I don't know where my future will go. I'm just worried about so many areas of life.

I start counseling tomorrow. It's something I could have used throughout my entire life. I'm kind of nervous. I really hope it helps me.

This Is Good

I've been hesitant to write in my journal recently. I'm actually doing really well. I'm doing the best that I've ever been. Life is really good.

I know that I have some followers that can relate to my struggles, and so maybe it was my hurt that made them able to connect with me, and I didn't want to shove my happiness down their throats and make them feel alienated.

I realized that if I abandoned this journal just because I was afraid of writing happy things, then I had forgotten the purpose of this thing.

I want everyone to know that I still remember all of the struggles I've gone through. I know what it's like. But right now I'm on the other side of that. I've gotten through it. I still want to be there for anyone who needs someone with whom they can relate. If anything, my happiness should offer hope to those who are still struggling. You can be happy too.

I still have moments where I struggle. I don't know for sure if depression ever completely goes away. There are occasions where I remember the times people have hurt me. Sometimes I'm afraid of being hurt again. But now I have someone in my life who will always talk it through with me. She always makes sure that I'm okay. I think this will last.

So, I'm going to continue writing in this journal. I might talk about things that go on inside my head. I might talk about the hard parts of being in a long distance relationship. I might talk about being happy. We'll see where this goes.

Life In Its Current State

I came to a point in my life where I realized I was holding on to things. I had to let them go if I was ever to allow new things to come into my life.

I talk a lot about letting go, but it was truly real this time. I knew I had to completely let go and let God do his thing in my life. It was when I gave up in a sense, and allowed God to fulfill his plan in my life, that good things started to happen.

I met a girl. A really incredible girl. We have now been dating for two weeks. Things are serious, things are certain. Everything is amazing. I couldn't ask for anything more.

As much as I've written in this journal about past girls, and as much as they have truly meant to me, this girl is different. With any other girl I've been with, there were always doubts - either on my side of the girl's side. This time around neither of us have any doubts. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

The last girl I was with proved to me that I wouldn't have to settle for a girl that I didn't feel was ideal for me, and this girl is so much more. I like everything about her. Every single thing I've ever looked for is contained in this one spectacular girl. She's better than I could have ever imagined.

I'm happy. Now, I don't believe that you have to have a significant other to be happy. I just believe you might have to stop holding yourself back from enjoying life. You have to allow good things to come, whether those things are people or whatever else. I wasn't sure if I'd ever truly be happy, and now I really am. Nothing is eating away at the back of my mind, this just feels right in every way.

This is good for me. I've never had anything more healthy. Sure, we've only been together two weeks, but I feel confident our relationship will be the best imaginable.

This all makes me excited about life again.

Just breathe.

I constantly wonder why I'm so different. Why I say, do, and feel the things that no one else does.

I have to remind myself to just breathe sometimes. Let things be.

Maybe I'm just weird and I have to deal with the consequences of that.

Time

I believe that things will work out.

I've gone through things in my life that were difficult. They don't phase me at all now. In fact, they seem so little compared to what I'm currently trying to figure out. But they felt so big at the time.

Maybe time is the key. That sounds so cliche, but I'm a believer in cliches. Things are often cliche because they're so true.

In time, I believe that I'll be alright. I mean, I am actually doing pretty fine right now. But I'm positive that eventually I'll be doing much better. And I have a feeling that time might not be too far away.

I don't know what the future has in store for me. I may be surprised. Anything is possible. But I'm sure that things will work out one way or another.

Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot recently about what "happy" means to me.

I've written a lot about it before. Am I happy? Can I be happy? Yes, I can be happy. In fact, I will be happy. It seems that my thoughts on this matter keep changing. So maybe these next thoughts will be discarded soon enough.

I don't think I'm made to be happy. Like, I don't think it is something I'm intended to be. Sometimes I feel content, and I think that is the best feeling I'm allowed to have. If I can be rid of worries and hurt, then I consider it a win. That's when I'm content and that's the best I get.

To me, being "happy" would include being content, but it would also include just being excited about life. A sense of enjoyment in living. I don't have that. I can only recall one time I ever felt that way, and it lasted for about a month and a half. That time is long gone.

I know it seems everything I write is about my girl problems. And, yes, this is somewhat about that. It was when I was with a girl that I was "happy". But it's more than that. During that time, everything just felt right. I know a girl isn't going to fix me. I realize that I don't need a girl. Could a girl help? Possibly. But it isn't the answer. Maybe it was the particular girl I was with. Maybe it was the things she taught me. Maybe it was how she was the only one in the world that ever made me feel that way. All that aside, it may have been the things that happened in my mind during that time. It felt like I had someone rooting for me, I don't have that person anymore. I knew that someone cared about me, actually liked me, and trusted me. I had someone I could open up to, so I could get all these thoughts out and hear someone's opinions of them. All these qualities could be attained from someone without any romantic involvement.

All of that was about another person, though. Even before anything ever happened between us, she said that I had a lot of potential. To me, that was the greatest thing any person could have said. If someone says I'm good at something, I don't believe them. If someone says I suck, I will believe them and it will tear me apart. I don't know exactly what she meant by that statement, I never asked her because our conversation went elsewhere. But if someone says I show potential, it excites me. It reminds me that I have a future and someone thinks I could accomplish big things. It helped me to believe in myself.

Listen, I'm alright. I don't have anything figured out. I still break down sometimes. But every once in a while I feel content. I feel okay with my life. I don't wake up in the morning excited to live it, but I'm fine with it. That's a step up for me. Maybe there isn't a universal rule for humans. Maybe I will only be happy when I find someone. Perhaps different people are wired differently, and since I'm a romantic I need to be with someone. But that's not good for me. I could find a girl to be with somewhat easily, but it'd be nearly impossible for me to find someone that I'd be crazy about.

Or maybe I just need someone in my life to be there for me. I lack that person right now. Growing up and growing apart sucks.