Stuff And Things

I'm in a place that I could have never imagined before. I have a lot of things going for me. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I love very much, and who loves me just the same. I'm in college and getting decent grades. I'm a bit strapped for cash, but I have all my needs provided for. I'm doing really good. My future actually looks great.

I've been going through some things, though, that have been troublesome. I've been sick with mono for since the beginning of November. I'm mostly over the mono, I just sometimes deal with the hepatitis that came in a combo deal with it. But it was difficult to do my school work, especially during the first few weeks of the sickness. I have to keep a good GPA for one of my scholarships, so it was really stressting me out.

Not having money and having to rely on other people for things is sometimes hard. I don't usually care too much about accepting kindness. I realize that sometimes it is simply best to accept a blessing and be grateful. But it's difficult for me to not be able to contribute more. Even in Christmas gifts or something, I'd like to express my gratitude and give something back, but I can't really depart with too much money. I can't drive. My parents screwed me over by never teaching me how to drive. I'm 20 years old and I don't have a driver's license. In fact, driving actually frightens me. I'm tired of being a burden to people who have to drive me around all the time. It also makes getting a job more difficult because I would need transportation, and I don't want to always rely on people to fit me into their schedules. So we're back to money.

I lost some very important footage the other day. It made me fall apart. I have no idea how it got lost. I wanted to blame someone, anyone, even myself, but I don't know whose fault it could be. So ultimately it's my failure. I ruined everything. Honestly, I thought about killing myself over it, but I couldn't do that while living here and stuff. But I did get very depressed. Still am, I guess. I've been getting stressed out a lot lately. It's not good for me.

Failure is something I'm not good at. I've always strived to be the best. It's like I have something to prove. Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough at being a person, so, in order to have some kind of value, I have to be good at things. I have to be smart. I have to be talented. I have to be funny. Why else would anyone want me to be a part of their life? Every time I mess up, every time I let someone down, every time I fail, it's devastating to me.