I Can Be Happy

I'm gonna go ahead and contradict an entry I've already written.

Today, I concluded that I can, and will, be happy.

For a long time I've believed that happiness is simply a state of mind. And, as an idealist, it wasn't something that I could let myself fall into. I didn't want to lose all intelligence just to feel happy inside. It would feel fake. It seemed to me that everything in your life either had to be in order, or you just had to be oblivious to the world. Well, as I mentioned in an earlier post, not everything is in order. And I can't let myself just ignore life. So, by default, I can't be happy.

I think I was wrong. I mean, I was right. But I was also wrong. Happiness IS a state of mind. But those aren't the only ways to be happy. I've decided that happiness is a choice.

I can choose to be okay with life the way that it is. Take into account that there is a lot of crap, and just choose not to dwell in the negative side. Accept who I am, and what my life is. I don't have to have the things I'm pursuing. Just enjoy the journey. Choose to be happy.

It's so simple, and when write it down it doesn't seem like such a big epiphany. But it changes everything.

I wont be faking anything. And I don't have to be all smiles all the time. I just have to be content.

I just have to believe that it's all okay.

Recovering

I don't recover. Ever.

I don't know why. I wish I could recover from stuff. But it seems that once I'm hurt, I will forever be hurt. I don't hold a grudge against the person that hurt me, most often I will forgive them right away. Sometimes I'm even afraid I'm too much of a push over. Actually, to be completely honest, it isn't usually other people who hurt me. I think I do it all to myself. I invest too much, even when I know I shouldn't. It hurts to have all your hope crashing down on you. And I never learn my lesson.

But, you know, sometimes other people do hurt me too.

All in all, though, there is no healing. I can numb the pain. Ignore it, and hope it will go away some day. But it doesn't. It will always bee sitting in the back of my mind. Always ready to come back in full force whenever something reminds me of its existence.

I've been hurt a few times in my lifetime, and I can't seem to get past them. This needs to be fixed.

It also seems that all my entries on here seem to be negative, sad stuff. That needs to change as well. I can't possibly be down all the time. Next time I'll try to think of something more positive.

Happy?

I think I've decided that I'm not meant to be happy.

I don't say that to sound emo. Well, maybe I did at first. But now I definitely feel differently.

I feel this to be true because I always want something that I can't have. It's just one thing after another. It's as if I don't think something is worth pursuing unless it's impossible for me to obtain.

I've heard before that life might not be about being happy, but rather about the pursuit of happiness. And maybe that's true. I've found that I'm most content when I'm searching for something. When I'm pursuing something that can never be. That's just the way that I am. I've always had big dreams. Unattainable goals. I don't know why, but I can't help it.

So, maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, perhaps not everybody is. I'm often perfectly okay with fighting for the things I can't possibly have. It's possible that I'm supposed to keep pursuing my dreams and see what comes of them. Who knows, maybe I will one day find happiness. Or maybe I'll just grow up. We'll see.

Discovering Myself

You'd think after almost 19 years of living with myself I'd know who I am by now. But that's not the case. I'm still trying to figure it out. However, there are a few things I do know about myself for sure, and in order for anyone to really know who I am I think they should be made aware of them as well.

I am Josh Kelly. Confused. Searching. Quick to love. Quick to forgive. Slow to recover. Still wounded. Sometimes hurting. Happiest when the people I care about are happy. Fighting everything. Trying to figure out what I believe. Obsessed with the idea of love. Often lonely. Growing up. Frightened. Excited about life. Hating change. Trust issues. Socially awkward. Secretly introverted. Panic attacks when left alone to think for too long. Loves to be around people. Communication problems. Good at keeping it all hidden.

Something New