My Life In Movie Form

A very long time ago I decided to live my life as if I was a character in a book. To keep life interesting. If I didn't have adventures, why would someone keep reading? Gotta do things to make people keep turning the pages.

I then learned about the art of story. It is strongly emphasized by TWLOHA, and my favorite nonfiction writer wrote a book titled "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years" all about the idea of living your life in story form. He learned about story while writing the screenplay for the movie adaption of his book "Blue Like Jazz", and he saw great potential in applying the rules of story to our lives. This was farther encouragement for me to live as if I was a character.

There was a period in my life where I wondered if my life really was set up as some kind of weird movie, kinda like The Truman Show. I was just paranoid, but my life had all the makings of a movie.

Back in May/June when I went through some girl trouble, I had a ton of people telling me that my life was like a young adult novel, a movie, or a teen tv series. I actually really liked that. It meant that I was succeeding. I kept it interesting. I was living as if I was a character in a book.

Eventually some of that faded because I had to take life more seriously. I'm growing old. I'm about to go to college and go into incredible, life-changing debt. I literally couldn't afford to be care free. Also, my friends are getting older too. Some even moving away. All of them super busy. We don't get to have our crazy adventures very often anymore.

I've been writing this screenplay for several months. It started as an idea. I had a character that I really wanted to write a movie about. I also had this shot I wanted near the end. But it quickly had to change. The character I was trying to create wasn't working. He was simply too cool. He needed to be more like me. So I toned him down, and things began to fit together. The movie started being based off of my life.

I'm still not done with the movie. It's gone through a ton of re-writes. Right now I'm struggling with this one particular thing near the end. But I can confidently say this movie is me. It is my life. Not every scene has really happened, though a lot have. A lot of the events that haven't happened to me personally have happened to friends of mine. Some things I had to create simply to make a good story. My life isn't done, I don't have things figured out, but my character needs to end the movie on a good note. So I had to work some things out for him.

People said that my life was like a movie, so I took my adventures and made them into a movie. And it's good. It's really good.

I'm going to be working on making my life more like a movie. It really worked for me before, so I think I might go back to that. I think maybe I take things to seriously nowadays.

The Freight Train

I'm watching Inception. I actually paused the movie to write this. I'm at the scene where Mal takes Cobb out onto the ledge. It reminds me of a certain feeling. A feeling I've only truly felt once.

You can tell that at first he's hoping that he can talk her out of it. That he can talk some sense into her, and that things will be okay. But she doesn't stop. She keeps talking, and you can tell by the look in Cobb's face and the urgency in his voice that he knows he can't stop it.

He tries. He's desperate. It means everything to him, but he knows that it's out of his control. It's a mix of desperation, confusion, anger, worry, sadness, a sense of being lost, and maybe some of that "I just want to die right now" feeling.

It's like lying on some railroad tracks and seeing a freight train coming, but you can't move because someone has tied you down. You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do to avoid it, but you have to try. The words don't stop coming, the train just keeps charging forward. No matter how much you plead, things aren't going to end well.

I've only felt that once. It included hyperventilating, wanting to break my phone, wanting to punch a wall, a lot of tears, the need to just yell, and a lot of other things. It's the biggest mix of emotions I've ever encountered, all emotions that are terrible on their own.

I don't ever want to go through that again.

I don't ask for much

I just want to feel.

I want to be able to allow myself to fully let go and just feel. To feel whatever it is that life has in store for me. I want to feel okay. I want to be happy again. I want to be alone in my basement and be able to smile because I know that everything is alright. I want to stop crying. I want to care about things. About someone. And I want to know that someone cares about me.

I want to stop having bad days. I just want to stop breaking down all the time.

Really, I'd settle for someone to talk to.

Christmas

I don't like Christmas. I never really have.

It's not that I have some tragic memories attached to Christmas, like a loved one dying, my parents getting divorced, or something like that. The worst memories I have are consistently getting spanked on Christmas because I was a rebellious little child that didn't like to follow rules and traditions. I just don't like it.

I don't like Christmas music. I get made fun of because of that all the time. It seems that so many people love it, and I hate it. It's not that I just dislike it, I loathe it. It depresses me. There are enough things that can depress me, I don't need something else. Call me a scrooge, grinch, or whatever. I don't care. The only Christmas songs that I can stand are the ones about lost love. Everything else makes me want to punch a wall.

I'm a Christian, and being such people expect me to appreciate Christmas because of "the reason for the season". The thing is, I can't. When I look at the history of Christmas, it has nothing to do with Jesus. I can't stand Christians who get uptight because people have forgotten what 'Christmas is about'. Christmas started as a pagan holiday, get over it. Now it's overly commercial and materialistic. I don't even care. Moreover, I have to wonder if the whole Christian emphasis on Christmas is a good thing. I mean, I'm glad Jesus came to earth. Believe me, it's amazing, it's the basis of my existence. But maybe Jesus would prefer we put more emphasis on some of the other parts of his life, or his teachings. I dunno. I feel that we all know he came to earth, let's focus on something else.

The whole holiday season kind of just depresses me. Most holidays do. I'm no longer good at pretending. I can't lie to people about how I'm doing. I don't do well with crowds of happy people. I'm not good at groups of relatives and stuff. It seems that people always ask how your life is doing, but I'm always doubtful that it's anything more than mindless conversation. Do they really want to know? What if I responded, "Pretty crappy. I'm trying to mend a broken heart. Figuring out what life's all about. I just want to be happy, but I don't know how." People don't say those kinds of things, so it gives other people license to ask those questions without fear of hearing an honest answer.

I'm also getting older. I never really got excited over Christmas, but now I feel nothing. It's a day where I'm off work, we eat a large meal, and I receive a few gifts. It's cool, but it's not terribly important to me. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I appreciate every gift I get. I appreciate the fact that I'm in a place where I'm privileged enough to receive presents. However, I kinda wish that some people who give me gifts wouldn't. Last year my sister-in-law sold plasma in order to buy my siblings and me gifts. That wasn't necessary. If you can't afford it, I'd rather you keep your money. I don't buy many people much of anything because I'm saving my money. I'd totally understand. I really appreciate it, but I'd prefer if you put your money to better use than buying me a gift.

I want to like Christmas. I really do. I just don't know if I ever will.

Decisions

Right now the hardest part of life is dealing with some major decisions. Especially this one in particular.

Yeah, I have a ton of school related things. Also some life choices. Financial stuff. There's all that. But that's not what's really weighing me down. I'll figure that all out. It will work out in the end somehow.

I have this one major dilemma on my mind. I pulled out good ol' dictionary.com for this one. The definition of a dilemma is "a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives.", and that's exactly what I have here. The situation that I'm in is a bit unprecedented for me. I've never had to face this circumstance before.

I haven't told anyone about this decision. No one knows what going on inside of me. I'm not so sure anyone would understand. Actually, I sometimes wonder if anyone would really care.

Neither of the options that I have to choose from are going to be incredibly easy on me. I don't know what I'm going to choose.

I'm not even going to write out my problem in here. I don't want to be reminding of the turmoil that's going on in my brain. I just want to figure it out and put it behind me.

I hate it because it all has to do with feelings/emotions and how I'm going to handle them. What road do I want my life to go down? This decision could have a major impact on the rest of my life.

At Home

My whole life I've felt out of place. The the stuff I say, the things I do, the things I wear, and the things I believe - they all feel like me, but I never feel that I am where I'm supposed to be.

I thought it was a location thing. I've lived in Kentucky almost 6 years, and I hate Kentucky. The only redeeming factors Kentucky has are my good friends, and my best friend in the whole world no longer even lives here. I have a longing to travel. To fly, drive, or whatever. I just want to experience some place else. I'm infatuated with California. It just seems like it would be my kind of scene. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I got out of here.

I also thought part of it might simply be teenage angst. I'm huge into teenage angst. My favorite movies, music, and books are full of it. That's why I'm not afraid to say that I love young adult fiction.

I'm really independent. My mom hates it because I'll be away from home for days without ever thinking about calling home. I think it's because I don't feel like I have a place that I need to be. I have no roots. I can survive anywhere, because nothing can feel stranger than this place I'm forced to live. I've never felt at home.

A few summers ago when I was at a church camp, my then youth pastor and some of us were having a conversation about hand holding. Not for or against it (we were all for it, we were making fun of the camp's rules on public displays of affection), but what it meant. He said it was a sign of ownership. Even though I had never held hands with a girl, based off of observations and my imagination of what it would be like, I countered that it was a sense of security. After some debate, everyone came to agree with me.

The first time I had ever truly held hands with a girl in a romantic fashion was with this last girl. And I was right. Oh goodness, I was right. I'm always right.

Every time we held hands,

Every time we links arms,

Every time she smiled at me,

Every time she called me during my breaks at work,

Every time we hugged,

Every time we kissed,

That's when I felt at home.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt at home. I felt like I belonged somewhere. The world felt right. It seemed like nothing in the world mattered during those moments. My life could be falling apart, but it would be fine, because I was at home with her.

Everything was different with this girl in every way. That's why it hurt so bad when things ended. I had high hopes for a future, at least some form of a future that lasted longer than what we had. But I guess she evidently didn't feel the same way. There's nothing I can do to change that, and I don't blame her. I wish her the best with her ventures. It's just the way things are.

Maybe it's not a matter of location, and maybe it's not simply a case of teenage angst. I don't know what it is. But I now know what it feels like to be home. That's what I miss most of all.

Sometimes

I know I'm only 19. I know that, in some regards, I'm still relatively young.

I know that I still have many years ahead of me.

I know I'll be going to college and meeting lots of new people. I know that I still have lots of adventures yet to be had. I know that sometime, hopefully soon, I'll be buying a car and my situation will drastically change. I know there are still a lot of years that I have left to live.

But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to die alone.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I will never find someone. I'm terrified of the idea that I wont ever feel that happiness again, at least not in that way. Sometimes I'm worried that I was meant to be alone.

But that doesn't make sense. If there was only one person in this world that was supposed to fall in love, it would have to be me. It's what I was made for. It's what my life revolves around. It has been the only thing on my mind since I was 10.

My mom was engaged when she was my age. I know that times have changed, and that my dad was older and stuff. But still.

I've also exhausted all my resources. All the girls that I know are either dating someone or I could never be interested in them. That's why it seemed so perfect with this last girl. I've known her off and on for like 5 years, but I never really got to know her. Then suddenly our worlds were intertwined. It all felt like it was just orchestrated in some beautiful way. I thought it was a God thing. But whatever - I'm trying to move on.

So I'll have to meet someone new. But I don't really plan on dating a girl from the college I'm going to go to. I'd never go there with the plan to hook up with someone. Besides, most girls that go there wouldn't be my type. And I would never date anyone that I work with.

I feel like I'll be that lonely 40 year old man who will never find a girl.

This is the fight that is going on inside me constantly. It can be more than I can bear at times.

But I have to keep on hoping. I have to believe that I will be happy someday. That I will love someone and that person will love me. It's the only thing that I have to live for.

Knowing Who You Are

I know who I am.

I wouldn't have been able to say that a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago I knew who I used to be. I didn't even really know who I wanted to be. The thought of the future had been freaking me out, and I didn't know much about myself anymore.

I know who I am now, and that is perhaps the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is literally life-changing. It might just be one of the most important things that can happen to you.

To know who you are enables you to live. You can be yourself, and you can be okay with it. And if you don't like certain things about who you are, you have the ability to change them.

I feel that just about everybody goes through some sort of self re-discovery around the ages of 17-20, unless they've grown up with a huge sense of who they are. For some it's easier. For others it shakes their world. Mine shook my entire existence. But I believe it's necessary to fully develop into who you need to be. If you ignore it, you will never grow.

You can't be in a relationship with someone else while you yourself are unsure of who you are. It's not fair to either of you. The questions "are you okay?", "what are you thinking?", and "what is it?" will constantly be asked. How can you be with the right person if you don't know who the right person is for you? How can someone be with you when you don't know who you are? You have to figure out who you are before you can ever be with someone else.

I'm good right now. It doesn't mean that I don't have struggles, because I definitely do. But I'm actually good. I wish a few things were different, but they're out of my control, so I'm letting them sort themselves out.

Saying What I Mean

For the first time in my life I find myself saying things that I don't mean.

I've always been one to say exactly what I mean. People often say things they don't mean, or mean things they don't say. I've never been like that. I can't stand people like that. It complicates life. I've always been the one to mean exactly what I say, and to not be afraid to say it. It sucks sometimes, because no one ever says what's really on their mind. No one talks about how they're truly feeling. So I'm kind of a nutcase. But I never really wanted to be any different.

Recently, I've caught myself telling people things that maybe aren't necessarily true. I say them because I want them to be true. I want to believe it. I want to mean it. I'm not feeling those things now, but I want it to happen.

I don't know if this is really a problem. Maybe if I keep trying, and I keep telling myself that's what's going on, it will actually happen. But I hate not saying what I mean. I like to be straight and honest. It's the way I'm made.

Bleh.

Rough Days

Today I'm having a rough day.

The bad days aren't like they used to be. I don't cry anymore. I don't feel like killing myself. I don't even think about the same kinds of things. It's now just a matter of missing her. Sometimes I find myself wondering what things would be like if we were together. But I can put that thought behind me. I constantly wonder what she thinks of me. If I even cross her mind at all. If she's ever missed me. I hate not knowing what she considers what we had.

The way these bad days get to me is that my thoughts are just really heavy. Right now I'm filling my time with a ton of ACT prep. So much algebra going on over here. I like algebra, it's like the one form of math that I actually consider fun. I just haven't done any kind of math in so long, I forget how to do certain things, so I'm having to kind of re-learn some stuff. I'm staying busy, preparing for the future, but those thoughts wont leave the back of my mind on days like this.

I don't know where things are anymore. She said that she wants to be friends. I said that I would love to be good friends, but I'm not going to force anything. I told her that I'm just gonna let it happen naturally and that she's in charge of where our friendship goes. We haven't talked in a while now. I'm afraid that she's forgotten about me, and that I'll be cut out of her life. I dunno, maybe I'm just paranoid. But it's whatever she wants. I can't really worry about it at this point.