Today, And Tomorrow

I am currently unemployed. It wasn't on purpose. I left my job because I thought I had another one lined up. But that didn't pan out. I could have taken back my two weeks notice, my boss really liked me. But I have a ton of school related stuff that I'm just not getting done. I figured I'll accomplish all that, and I'll also have a lot more time to spend on my creative projects. So, I don't have a source income right now, but I feel that this is a good place for me for the time being.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm doing really well. I've worked some things out in my head that needed to be worked out. As much as I want to give people advice and hope, I've learned that people often have to figure things out for themselves. I pray that something I say could help them figure that stuff out, and maybe there's hope in knowing that you will sort it all out eventually.

I'm good at the moment. Sure, I don't have everything the way I'd like for it to be, but life is looking good. I'm full of hope. I have some good friends. I choose to be positive every single day. I let myself feel what I need to feel. If I feel bad, I feel bad. If I feel good, I feel good. It's a part of living. I ended up not having to cut anyone out of my life, I just can't allow myself to focus on the things that would bring me down.

I just feel really complete. For maybe the first time in my life, I feel like a complete person. A lot of that is knowing yourself and having confidence. But there is more. Maybe it's realizing that no matter how much you may want someone, you don't need anyone.

I plan on feeling like this tomorrow, and for many days and years to come.

So Freaking Old

I hate being this old. A lot of people like it, and when you're in your younger teens you almost definitely look forward to it. But it's honestly about to drive me insane.

I have so many decisions to make, and they all have serious life consequences.

Finances are a big thing. I need to buy a car. However, I'll be out of a job in two days. It's a complicated situation, but I think it might be for the best. Then there's college. I'm going to go into so much debt for college. It frightens me to no end. I have no idea what I'm doing.

There are so many other decisions, and they all intimidate me.

More and more, I'm considering cutting someone out of my life entirely. It's not at all what I want. But I'm afraid that I can't live like this anymore.

I dunno

I get to the point where I'm doing so well. Things are good. My head is on straight. I'm in a great mood. I have hope. Things make sense. Everything is just as good as I can possibly expect it to be.

And then... I see something.

It all changes. It shakes my entire being. I know nothing has actually changed. Things are exactly the way they were the day before, and every single day before that. But certain things inside my head change. I fall apart. And I have no one to talk to about it.

Valentine's Day

I have a feeling that this is going to be long.

Today is Valentine's Day. Bleh.

I've been a romantic all my life, and yet I haven't had a significant other on Valentine's Day since 1st Grade (and even then they paired us up alphabetically, so I wasn't with my girlfriend). To be honest, Valentine's Day hasn't really depressed me all that much before. I was single. Okay. Not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. I had the future to look forward to. That's alright.

This year is different, though. I hoped to be with someone. Not just 'someone' as an idea, but a specific person. I had every intention to be with her today and for many more days. Obviously, things didn't play out as I would have liked. I've dealt with that. It's cool. Life goes on. But no matter how much forward motion I gain, part of me doesn't let go. I've come to grips with this. I will let my emotions play out. Whatever happens happens. I wont force any feelings to come or leave. But what that means is part of me is still thinking about certain things. That's the hardest part. I try to make myself not think about her being with someone else. I knew that was coming. From everything I've heard, he's a great guy. I genuinely hope they're happy together. She deserves to be happy, and if I can't be the one to make her happy, then I hope she finds someone who can. It's just a thought that turns my stomach and can sometimes still have an effect on my appetite. So this year is a little rough.

I'm alone again. Shouldn't be a problem. I've done this for quite a few years.

I've said before that girls don't like me. Looking back, I realized that I was lying to myself. Girls do like me. Perhaps not as often as they do some other guys, but it does happen. The thing is, it's rarely a girl that I'm interested in. And when it actually is someone I like, the timing is really bad, or they don't tell me until everything has changed. But girls do like me. That's cool.

Today actually started out pretty well. A friend and I are both Valentineless this year, so we decided we could be each other's honorary Valentines. It's been good. She's a really nice friend to have. I appreciate anyone who goes out of their way to be nice and talk to me. I don't get that very much anymore.

Haha. I just had two tear drops run down my face. Fun times.

I want a girlfriend. When I say that, people don't exactly understand what I mean. They insist that you don't need a significant other to be happy. They are completely right. You have to learn to love yourself before you can responsibly love anyone else. You have to have the ability to be happy when you're single before you ever go into a relationship, because, if not, you might not ever truly be happy. Your happiness will depend on that person, and that's dangerous.

Here's what I mean. I would never date anyone just to date someone. I wouldn't do that to a girl, and I couldn't do that to myself. I've had the opportunity to date a couple girls, but both times it was just something casual for me. I knew that I couldn't be that type of person. As much as I make fun of people who only date with the intention of marriage, there has to be some sense of legitimacy to a relationship. Something real and long term. I would only go into a relationship if I'm absolutely crazy about a girl. When I'm attracted to a girl, it's not just about physical appearance. In fact, physical appearance has very little to do with it. There are many amazingly hot girls out there that I would never pursue. Yes, I do have to be attracted to her. I do think that's important. But I'm really interested in personality, theology, philosophy, past, plans for the future, family, friends, and things like that. And crazy. Every girl I've ever liked has had at least some level of crazy. Plus there's some other element that is a mystery. That little thing that adds a spark to life.

When I say that I want a girlfriend, I mean that I want to feel that way. I want to be crazy about a girl. I want to fall head over heels for her. I want to experience all those exhilarating feelings again. I would hope that she feels the same way about me. I want all the things that go along with a relationship. I've had a taste, and I want more.

I don't need a girlfriend to be happy. To be completely real, I actually am relatively happy. With me, everything is relative. Sure, there are some things that I'd like to change. I wish certain things were different than they are. But I'm pretty content. I fought to get to this place. I had to learn who I was, then become who I needed to be. I know who I am now, and I like that person. The future is looking good. I'm excited.

In other news, I posted a video today. Some people really liked it, but I haven't been receiving half the response I was hoping for. I'm kind of really bummed out. Oh, and I'm sick too. Great day.

Yep. I was right. This ended up pretty much being the length of a short novel. Oh well. I needed that.

Josh Kelly

I sometimes refer to myself in the third person. I've done this for a long time. It shocks me whenever people are surprised by it. The thing is, I'm not the one who started it.

It started years ago. I think it began when people would talk about me and they would always refer to me as "Josh Kelly". I asked people why I was the only one listed with a last name when everybody else they talked about was just referred to by their first names. I thought maybe it was because they might know other people named Josh and they used my last name to avoid confusion. But they all told me it was because I am Josh Kelly. It describes me.

People don't know me as Josh. When they see me, almost every single time, they greet me with "JOSH KELLY!"

Over time, Josh Kelly has become his own beast. I feel that in some ways it has grown to be a larger persona than the person that I am. It encompasses some characteristics that I fear I might not live up to. People have expectations of Josh Kelly. Josh Kelly is an idea.

Maybe that's true. Maybe Josh Kelly is bigger than me. He might be more than I can be at one time. Or maybe I am him, and I've just lost touch with part of it. I used to feel that Josh Kelly got out of my control. But recently, more and more, I feel like I am Josh Kelly.

Talking

I love finding people who think and feel like me. Every time I find someone like that, it feels as if my entire world is changing again. The realization that you're not alone is among the most amazing feelings. I only ever knew one person like that in 'real life', and because of our situation we no longer talk about serious things anymore. I miss that more than anything. I miss being able to talk to someone and knowing that they not only care, but they know exactly what it's like. I wish I knew more people in 'real life' who function like me. But it seems easier to find those kinds of people on the internet. I'm just terrible at starting friendships.

"Hi, you and I think alike, and I need someone that I can talk to about anything. Would you like to be that person? I promise I'm really good at listening too."

Jumbled Words Of Nonsense That Shouldn't Exist

I wasn't going to write this. I don't want anyone to read it. But it is something that I would write in a private journal, and that's what this whole thing is about. So I wrote it.

Everyday thoughts of the past go through my head. I can't stop them. People keep asking me why I'm so quiet on random occasions and I can't tell them. I am preoccupied. The thoughts are heavy and I miss the reality that they used to represent. I'm often lost in a world that was, but is no more. They come out of the blue, at whatever moment they please. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. It's been a long time now. I'm over it. It doesn't hurt anymore. I've accepted everything. I'm moving on with my life. I just miss that time, I miss her, I miss those feelings, and I'm not sure where to go from here.

There are times that, in contrast to that entire last paragraph, I'm loud and obnoxious. I act crazy. People like that version of me. I like that version of me. But I'm only that person when I'm forcing myself to forget. When I push those thoughts away from my mind and I do whatever it takes to keep them away. I'm intentionally scatter brained because that's the only way things make sense.

I'm at a very weird point in my life. I don't know how long it has been since everything, I stopped thinking about it. But it's been a while. And in many regards I'm ready to move forward. There is a particular girl that catches my fancy. She would be good for me in many regards. She's responsible in ways that I'm not, and I think I probably need that in a girl. She's smart, attractive, kind, and has a good grasp on her future. Out of everyone in this world, she's the only girl that has that extra something that makes her stand out to me as someone I could pursue. As is always the case, things are a little complicated. I've been told that she's said before that she doesn't want to date in college, and she has two years left. I'm getting signals that she might be interested, which would be cool, but I sometimes confuse friendship with something more. I don't have any idea how to pursue a girl.

And I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready.

Sometimes I'm afraid that no one will ever live up to her.

The Doctor

I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately. Too much, in fact. I was a little iffy on the show at first, but I've come to love it. Now I'm pretty much obsessed. I'm spending far too much time watching that show when I should be doing something productive. I just can't help it.

I like fictional characters. I often fall in love with fictional girls. It's easier and the heart break isn't as bad. I also find inspiration for how to live my life from fictional people.

Chief among that list are Captain Jack Sparrow, Shawn Spencer, and The Doctor.

I like Jack Sparrow. I like how he kind of makes things up as he goes along. No real plan, but things usually end up working in the end. Actually, all three of these people are like that to some degree. I also like how he doesn't take things too seriously. Things happen and he just goes along with it. Unless the rum is gone.

Shawn Spencer is misunderstood by a lot of people. I guess that too fits the description of everyone on this list. But he's really good natured and wants the best for everyone. He's just trying to figure things out. I think his heightened observation skill is really cook, since it's something I kind of have. Not exactly to that degree, but I notice things and I can remember them visually. I can relate to him a lot in other aspects, such as his love life. And I'm envious of his outgoing personality. It reminds me of what I miss about myself.

The Doctor is outgoing. Commanding. He has plans, but they're made up on the spot. He's "really clever". Let's be honest, most incarnations are pretty good looking. His heart breaks, but he learns how to deal with it. He usually makes the right decisions, no matter how hard they are. He's the hero of the story. I don't know for sure, but I think most people have the desire to be the hero. I know I do.

I've been noticing that my old energy has been coming back since my last post. I've been more outgoing that I have been the past year or so. I've been more fun to be around. People mistake my actions as ADD, but it's just who I am. And it's who I want to be.