My Life In Movie Form

A very long time ago I decided to live my life as if I was a character in a book. To keep life interesting. If I didn't have adventures, why would someone keep reading? Gotta do things to make people keep turning the pages.

I then learned about the art of story. It is strongly emphasized by TWLOHA, and my favorite nonfiction writer wrote a book titled "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years" all about the idea of living your life in story form. He learned about story while writing the screenplay for the movie adaption of his book "Blue Like Jazz", and he saw great potential in applying the rules of story to our lives. This was farther encouragement for me to live as if I was a character.

There was a period in my life where I wondered if my life really was set up as some kind of weird movie, kinda like The Truman Show. I was just paranoid, but my life had all the makings of a movie.

Back in May/June when I went through some girl trouble, I had a ton of people telling me that my life was like a young adult novel, a movie, or a teen tv series. I actually really liked that. It meant that I was succeeding. I kept it interesting. I was living as if I was a character in a book.

Eventually some of that faded because I had to take life more seriously. I'm growing old. I'm about to go to college and go into incredible, life-changing debt. I literally couldn't afford to be care free. Also, my friends are getting older too. Some even moving away. All of them super busy. We don't get to have our crazy adventures very often anymore.

I've been writing this screenplay for several months. It started as an idea. I had a character that I really wanted to write a movie about. I also had this shot I wanted near the end. But it quickly had to change. The character I was trying to create wasn't working. He was simply too cool. He needed to be more like me. So I toned him down, and things began to fit together. The movie started being based off of my life.

I'm still not done with the movie. It's gone through a ton of re-writes. Right now I'm struggling with this one particular thing near the end. But I can confidently say this movie is me. It is my life. Not every scene has really happened, though a lot have. A lot of the events that haven't happened to me personally have happened to friends of mine. Some things I had to create simply to make a good story. My life isn't done, I don't have things figured out, but my character needs to end the movie on a good note. So I had to work some things out for him.

People said that my life was like a movie, so I took my adventures and made them into a movie. And it's good. It's really good.

I'm going to be working on making my life more like a movie. It really worked for me before, so I think I might go back to that. I think maybe I take things to seriously nowadays.

The Freight Train

I'm watching Inception. I actually paused the movie to write this. I'm at the scene where Mal takes Cobb out onto the ledge. It reminds me of a certain feeling. A feeling I've only truly felt once.

You can tell that at first he's hoping that he can talk her out of it. That he can talk some sense into her, and that things will be okay. But she doesn't stop. She keeps talking, and you can tell by the look in Cobb's face and the urgency in his voice that he knows he can't stop it.

He tries. He's desperate. It means everything to him, but he knows that it's out of his control. It's a mix of desperation, confusion, anger, worry, sadness, a sense of being lost, and maybe some of that "I just want to die right now" feeling.

It's like lying on some railroad tracks and seeing a freight train coming, but you can't move because someone has tied you down. You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do to avoid it, but you have to try. The words don't stop coming, the train just keeps charging forward. No matter how much you plead, things aren't going to end well.

I've only felt that once. It included hyperventilating, wanting to break my phone, wanting to punch a wall, a lot of tears, the need to just yell, and a lot of other things. It's the biggest mix of emotions I've ever encountered, all emotions that are terrible on their own.

I don't ever want to go through that again.

I don't ask for much

I just want to feel.

I want to be able to allow myself to fully let go and just feel. To feel whatever it is that life has in store for me. I want to feel okay. I want to be happy again. I want to be alone in my basement and be able to smile because I know that everything is alright. I want to stop crying. I want to care about things. About someone. And I want to know that someone cares about me.

I want to stop having bad days. I just want to stop breaking down all the time.

Really, I'd settle for someone to talk to.

Christmas

I don't like Christmas. I never really have.

It's not that I have some tragic memories attached to Christmas, like a loved one dying, my parents getting divorced, or something like that. The worst memories I have are consistently getting spanked on Christmas because I was a rebellious little child that didn't like to follow rules and traditions. I just don't like it.

I don't like Christmas music. I get made fun of because of that all the time. It seems that so many people love it, and I hate it. It's not that I just dislike it, I loathe it. It depresses me. There are enough things that can depress me, I don't need something else. Call me a scrooge, grinch, or whatever. I don't care. The only Christmas songs that I can stand are the ones about lost love. Everything else makes me want to punch a wall.

I'm a Christian, and being such people expect me to appreciate Christmas because of "the reason for the season". The thing is, I can't. When I look at the history of Christmas, it has nothing to do with Jesus. I can't stand Christians who get uptight because people have forgotten what 'Christmas is about'. Christmas started as a pagan holiday, get over it. Now it's overly commercial and materialistic. I don't even care. Moreover, I have to wonder if the whole Christian emphasis on Christmas is a good thing. I mean, I'm glad Jesus came to earth. Believe me, it's amazing, it's the basis of my existence. But maybe Jesus would prefer we put more emphasis on some of the other parts of his life, or his teachings. I dunno. I feel that we all know he came to earth, let's focus on something else.

The whole holiday season kind of just depresses me. Most holidays do. I'm no longer good at pretending. I can't lie to people about how I'm doing. I don't do well with crowds of happy people. I'm not good at groups of relatives and stuff. It seems that people always ask how your life is doing, but I'm always doubtful that it's anything more than mindless conversation. Do they really want to know? What if I responded, "Pretty crappy. I'm trying to mend a broken heart. Figuring out what life's all about. I just want to be happy, but I don't know how." People don't say those kinds of things, so it gives other people license to ask those questions without fear of hearing an honest answer.

I'm also getting older. I never really got excited over Christmas, but now I feel nothing. It's a day where I'm off work, we eat a large meal, and I receive a few gifts. It's cool, but it's not terribly important to me. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I appreciate every gift I get. I appreciate the fact that I'm in a place where I'm privileged enough to receive presents. However, I kinda wish that some people who give me gifts wouldn't. Last year my sister-in-law sold plasma in order to buy my siblings and me gifts. That wasn't necessary. If you can't afford it, I'd rather you keep your money. I don't buy many people much of anything because I'm saving my money. I'd totally understand. I really appreciate it, but I'd prefer if you put your money to better use than buying me a gift.

I want to like Christmas. I really do. I just don't know if I ever will.

Decisions

Right now the hardest part of life is dealing with some major decisions. Especially this one in particular.

Yeah, I have a ton of school related things. Also some life choices. Financial stuff. There's all that. But that's not what's really weighing me down. I'll figure that all out. It will work out in the end somehow.

I have this one major dilemma on my mind. I pulled out good ol' dictionary.com for this one. The definition of a dilemma is "a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives.", and that's exactly what I have here. The situation that I'm in is a bit unprecedented for me. I've never had to face this circumstance before.

I haven't told anyone about this decision. No one knows what going on inside of me. I'm not so sure anyone would understand. Actually, I sometimes wonder if anyone would really care.

Neither of the options that I have to choose from are going to be incredibly easy on me. I don't know what I'm going to choose.

I'm not even going to write out my problem in here. I don't want to be reminding of the turmoil that's going on in my brain. I just want to figure it out and put it behind me.

I hate it because it all has to do with feelings/emotions and how I'm going to handle them. What road do I want my life to go down? This decision could have a major impact on the rest of my life.

At Home

My whole life I've felt out of place. The the stuff I say, the things I do, the things I wear, and the things I believe - they all feel like me, but I never feel that I am where I'm supposed to be.

I thought it was a location thing. I've lived in Kentucky almost 6 years, and I hate Kentucky. The only redeeming factors Kentucky has are my good friends, and my best friend in the whole world no longer even lives here. I have a longing to travel. To fly, drive, or whatever. I just want to experience some place else. I'm infatuated with California. It just seems like it would be my kind of scene. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I got out of here.

I also thought part of it might simply be teenage angst. I'm huge into teenage angst. My favorite movies, music, and books are full of it. That's why I'm not afraid to say that I love young adult fiction.

I'm really independent. My mom hates it because I'll be away from home for days without ever thinking about calling home. I think it's because I don't feel like I have a place that I need to be. I have no roots. I can survive anywhere, because nothing can feel stranger than this place I'm forced to live. I've never felt at home.

A few summers ago when I was at a church camp, my then youth pastor and some of us were having a conversation about hand holding. Not for or against it (we were all for it, we were making fun of the camp's rules on public displays of affection), but what it meant. He said it was a sign of ownership. Even though I had never held hands with a girl, based off of observations and my imagination of what it would be like, I countered that it was a sense of security. After some debate, everyone came to agree with me.

The first time I had ever truly held hands with a girl in a romantic fashion was with this last girl. And I was right. Oh goodness, I was right. I'm always right.

Every time we held hands,

Every time we links arms,

Every time she smiled at me,

Every time she called me during my breaks at work,

Every time we hugged,

Every time we kissed,

That's when I felt at home.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt at home. I felt like I belonged somewhere. The world felt right. It seemed like nothing in the world mattered during those moments. My life could be falling apart, but it would be fine, because I was at home with her.

Everything was different with this girl in every way. That's why it hurt so bad when things ended. I had high hopes for a future, at least some form of a future that lasted longer than what we had. But I guess she evidently didn't feel the same way. There's nothing I can do to change that, and I don't blame her. I wish her the best with her ventures. It's just the way things are.

Maybe it's not a matter of location, and maybe it's not simply a case of teenage angst. I don't know what it is. But I now know what it feels like to be home. That's what I miss most of all.

Sometimes

I know I'm only 19. I know that, in some regards, I'm still relatively young.

I know that I still have many years ahead of me.

I know I'll be going to college and meeting lots of new people. I know that I still have lots of adventures yet to be had. I know that sometime, hopefully soon, I'll be buying a car and my situation will drastically change. I know there are still a lot of years that I have left to live.

But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to die alone.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I will never find someone. I'm terrified of the idea that I wont ever feel that happiness again, at least not in that way. Sometimes I'm worried that I was meant to be alone.

But that doesn't make sense. If there was only one person in this world that was supposed to fall in love, it would have to be me. It's what I was made for. It's what my life revolves around. It has been the only thing on my mind since I was 10.

My mom was engaged when she was my age. I know that times have changed, and that my dad was older and stuff. But still.

I've also exhausted all my resources. All the girls that I know are either dating someone or I could never be interested in them. That's why it seemed so perfect with this last girl. I've known her off and on for like 5 years, but I never really got to know her. Then suddenly our worlds were intertwined. It all felt like it was just orchestrated in some beautiful way. I thought it was a God thing. But whatever - I'm trying to move on.

So I'll have to meet someone new. But I don't really plan on dating a girl from the college I'm going to go to. I'd never go there with the plan to hook up with someone. Besides, most girls that go there wouldn't be my type. And I would never date anyone that I work with.

I feel like I'll be that lonely 40 year old man who will never find a girl.

This is the fight that is going on inside me constantly. It can be more than I can bear at times.

But I have to keep on hoping. I have to believe that I will be happy someday. That I will love someone and that person will love me. It's the only thing that I have to live for.

Knowing Who You Are

I know who I am.

I wouldn't have been able to say that a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago I knew who I used to be. I didn't even really know who I wanted to be. The thought of the future had been freaking me out, and I didn't know much about myself anymore.

I know who I am now, and that is perhaps the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is literally life-changing. It might just be one of the most important things that can happen to you.

To know who you are enables you to live. You can be yourself, and you can be okay with it. And if you don't like certain things about who you are, you have the ability to change them.

I feel that just about everybody goes through some sort of self re-discovery around the ages of 17-20, unless they've grown up with a huge sense of who they are. For some it's easier. For others it shakes their world. Mine shook my entire existence. But I believe it's necessary to fully develop into who you need to be. If you ignore it, you will never grow.

You can't be in a relationship with someone else while you yourself are unsure of who you are. It's not fair to either of you. The questions "are you okay?", "what are you thinking?", and "what is it?" will constantly be asked. How can you be with the right person if you don't know who the right person is for you? How can someone be with you when you don't know who you are? You have to figure out who you are before you can ever be with someone else.

I'm good right now. It doesn't mean that I don't have struggles, because I definitely do. But I'm actually good. I wish a few things were different, but they're out of my control, so I'm letting them sort themselves out.

Saying What I Mean

For the first time in my life I find myself saying things that I don't mean.

I've always been one to say exactly what I mean. People often say things they don't mean, or mean things they don't say. I've never been like that. I can't stand people like that. It complicates life. I've always been the one to mean exactly what I say, and to not be afraid to say it. It sucks sometimes, because no one ever says what's really on their mind. No one talks about how they're truly feeling. So I'm kind of a nutcase. But I never really wanted to be any different.

Recently, I've caught myself telling people things that maybe aren't necessarily true. I say them because I want them to be true. I want to believe it. I want to mean it. I'm not feeling those things now, but I want it to happen.

I don't know if this is really a problem. Maybe if I keep trying, and I keep telling myself that's what's going on, it will actually happen. But I hate not saying what I mean. I like to be straight and honest. It's the way I'm made.

Bleh.

Rough Days

Today I'm having a rough day.

The bad days aren't like they used to be. I don't cry anymore. I don't feel like killing myself. I don't even think about the same kinds of things. It's now just a matter of missing her. Sometimes I find myself wondering what things would be like if we were together. But I can put that thought behind me. I constantly wonder what she thinks of me. If I even cross her mind at all. If she's ever missed me. I hate not knowing what she considers what we had.

The way these bad days get to me is that my thoughts are just really heavy. Right now I'm filling my time with a ton of ACT prep. So much algebra going on over here. I like algebra, it's like the one form of math that I actually consider fun. I just haven't done any kind of math in so long, I forget how to do certain things, so I'm having to kind of re-learn some stuff. I'm staying busy, preparing for the future, but those thoughts wont leave the back of my mind on days like this.

I don't know where things are anymore. She said that she wants to be friends. I said that I would love to be good friends, but I'm not going to force anything. I told her that I'm just gonna let it happen naturally and that she's in charge of where our friendship goes. We haven't talked in a while now. I'm afraid that she's forgotten about me, and that I'll be cut out of her life. I dunno, maybe I'm just paranoid. But it's whatever she wants. I can't really worry about it at this point.

The Way I Live

I think this is a very important post. Personally, I will probably come back to it to remind myself of everything that I write.

I have decided to live my life very intentionally. My life has a purpose, even if it's simply one that I give it.

Even though I've gotten rid of a bunch of insecurity and stuff, I still have some things that I struggle with. Everyday I will say to myself, "I don't believe in anything." But I can't let that be true. Because, well, I HAVE TO believe in things. The fact of the matter is, life is so much easier if you don't believe in anything. If you don't believe in things, you wont have to fight for them, and so you've done away with a lot of struggle. But I feel that you really lack a life.

I choose to believe in love. I believe that I will fall in love someday. I believe that someday a girl will like me just as much as I like her. I believe that it will be natural and beautiful. I choose to believe these things, even though it might hurt sometimes.

One of my strongest convictions and my motto for life is that you have to keep trying. You have to try, and just hope for the best. Life's experiences can hurt and they can make it hard to make any effort. Not only that, but they can make you want to hide. But if I've learned anything recently, it's that when things are good, they can be real good. Even though it might suck in the end, it's a risk that you have to be willing to take. You have to try.

What I'm about to write is a major lifestyle change for me. I believe it is best to live in the moment. Give yourself fully to every experience. Enjoy the heck out of a good time. When something good comes along, hold on to that until you no longer have that option. Then let go. You have to let go when people don't give you a choice. I spend a lot of my life physically alone, so I tend to dwell in memories and thoughts of the future. While I think some of that is definitely healthy - you don't want to lose sight of where you came from or where you want to go - doing too much of it will only cause you emotional breakdowns. When you find something that's great, do everything you can to make it worthwhile. When things hurt, let them hurt.

Because of the way I've been hurt in the past, I like to have control over how I feel. I've always tried to make myself stop having feelings for certain people, to stop feeling the pain, or to simply feel the way that I think I have to feel. But I no longer do this. I let myself completely feel. I experience everything fully. I will jump in with both feet and deal with the consequences.

I don't know if this is the best idea. But I think it's the way that I need to live, so I will.

No Longer Insecure

I am honestly doing the best that I've been in like 2 years. I have a ton of things figured out, and I now know that I didn't have some things figure out before. I've gotten rid of A LOT of insecurity. I now know 100% who I am. I'm a stronger person. I'm smarter. Wiser.

I've always been really needy. I'm a very clingy kind of person. I've known this for some time, but I didn't really think it through and figure out what it meant. I think it came down to my dependence on people. I wrote about this in my last entry. I'm entirely dependent on other people for my happiness. That is not healthy.

I can't do that. People come and go. People say one thing one minute, and truly mean it, but things change the next moment and it's all over.

I've dealt with so much insecurity for so long, and it's all gone now. I'm hoping it's not temporary, because this feeling is incredible. I know who I am, and I'm cool with it. I no longer rely on other people to define me.

You also can't bring insecurities into a relationship, it's asking for a disaster. Someone might even find it endearing at first, but it's not a good thing. The last time I was pursuing a girl, I was talking with a good friend about it and she mentioned that she thought maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't listen to her. I mean, I was 18, and I've been wanting a relationship my entire life. But she was right. I know that now. But I do feel that I am now ready for a relationship, whenever the right girl might come around.

How did I get rid of the insecurity? I accepted me for who I am. With all my flaws and everything. I celebrated the good things, and didn't try to hide the negative things. I read something about what makes us who we are and it really struck a chord with me. I ran with it and made my own extended adaption. I posted it on tumblr as a quote because people tend to appreciate things more if they don't come directly from me. I added a couple more lines to it and posted it on my facebook as a note. I'll post on here too. There it is below:

We are our experiences, our friendships, and our relationships. We are the things we think, the opinions we hold, and the things we believe in. We are our memories just as much as we are our hopes and dreams. We are the things we do and the decisions we make. We are our heartaches, as well as our joys. We are the promises we make, and those that we break. We are our ideas. We are the music we cling to, the movies we love, and the books we read again and again.

Now you know who you are.

My Happiness

This latest experience was different than the one before it, in a million different ways, one way was that it hurt because I genuinely REALLY liked her. She mean a ton to me. But one thing that it had in common with the last thing I went through was that it forced me to evaluate who I am.

I've been thinking, why do I dislike me? I mean, I try to be a good person. I am a gentleman. I always try to be kind. I try not to be selfish. All in all, I have the makings of a decent person. So, why can't I be happy with who I am?

I came to the conclusion that it's because it feels like no one else likes me. And sometimes I feel very much so alone.

I've had so many girls tell me that I'm a great guy, and that whoever I end up with will be extremely lucky. What I bunch of bull crap. I'm tired of hearing it. If I'm such a good catch why haven't any girls, save one, showed interest? Why would that one that showed interest decide against it? What's wrong with me?

I have no answers for those questions. It's my constant struggle.

But I have also realized something. My happiness seems to depend on other people. I've never let possessions or materialistic things rule my happiness, but people have always had control. I was sincerely very happy for a time. All I thought about was how happy I was. I also liked who I was during that time. I guess it was because someone finally knew me for who I was and actually liked me. When that was no longer the case, I could no longer accept who I am.

I've come to grips with all this. She isn't in my life the way that she used to be, so I can't rely on her to make me happy. I'm cool with who I am. I have to be.

As of right now, I feel like I have completely moved on. I honestly feel like I could hang out with her without it being weird at all. While it's a major relief, it's also a scary feeling. She meant so much to me, and now I don't feel much of anything in that sense. Though it's a good and necessary thing, I kind of don't like it because it feels like I'm fully distanced from the things I loved about her. I dunno. Yeah, I'm still really disappointed that things didn't continue down the road I was hoping for. But I suppose I'm not even allowed to have feelings for her at this point, seeing as how she is dating someone else. It just feels weird being over her, I don't know how to explain it.

Being Who You Are

When I was younger, I was different.

I mean, I was very much the same, I had many of the same insecurities and such. Many of which I've written in here before. But I viewed life differently.

If you asked someone to describe me a couple years ago, they would describe me as passionate. I've always had people tell me I was mature beyond my years. I had big dreams. I saw reality for what it was, but I believed it could be better. I had hope. I had a brighter outlook on things.

About a year ago, everything changed. I started freaking out. I was having panic attacks about life and about the future. I'm homeschooled, and I was falling behind in school in my senior year. I eventually gave up. I literally stopped doing school work. I started just trying to get through the days. I had no driving force. My family has no money, and I don't have anything that could get me through college, especially the college that I want to go to. And I refuse to go to college for something that I'm not passionate about and can't see myself doing for the rest of my life. My parents don't know anything about how to get into college, and I saw that with my two older brothers they were no help. I thought my future was doomed. I didn't know what to do. I lost it, and did nothing.

I became lost and confused. That is how I would be described this past year.

In May and June I went through some girl trouble. Everybody who follows me on twitter knows about that. It was rough. Not so much because of anything she did, or even anything I felt for her. It was difficult because it made me come face to face with who I was. I also had to deal with crap that I thought had gone away. I came out of that situation with a greater knowledge of myself and where my life was. I knew it had to change, I just didn't know how to do it. But I was trying to figure it out. Eventually I came to the point where I was trying to embrace the person that is me.

Through this latest experience, I actually came to like me. At first I thought it was because there was someone else who liked me. And, honestly, that might have been why. After things ended, I hated myself. I wanted to just die. The only reason I liked me was because this other person did, and now she doesn't. But I've now gotten to the point where I have to accept who I am, because I have no choice but to live with me.

For a while I thought I have to be the person I am now. I thought that it was a part of growing up. But I don't think so anymore. I was a much better person a year ago. I was full of life. I had aspiration to be something. I wanted to do something important. Sure, I've been hurt, and I've changed through those experiences as well as some others. I'm wiser than I was a year ago, but I don't have to lose all of the elements that made who I was then.

I can have dreams. I can have hope. I can believe in things. I can have passion. I can do something with my life. And I will.

Titles Suck

Facts about me: I am overly sentimental, overly emotional, and overly sensitive.

I've always been this way. In some ways, I feel like it's something I should have grown out of. It's as if I never fully developed.

It's a weird phenomenon because I don't really care about a lot of the things normal people care about. People invest time and energy into things I just don't understand. I don't see why they view certain things as important. But whenever something matters to me, it REALLY matters to me.

I also over-think things a ton.

I'm a firm believer in finding a balance in almost every aspect of life. There's a lot of grey out there. Politically, I'm a moderate. Things like that. I think it is rarely healthy to take anything to an extreme one way or another. But it seems that I either don't care, or I care a whole freaking lot. I don't think things through, or I completely over-think them.

I wish I could find a middle ground.

My Wall

Yesterday I went to Walmart and bough a bunch of post-it notes. I already had this huge paper thing from when my youth pastor used one for a sermon, and had an extra that he didn't need. Of course I wasn't going to turn it down, haha. I decided to throw them together.

As you can see from the picture above, it's up on my wall. I really, REALLY like it. It's a simple idea, but perhaps the best idea I've ever had. On the post-its I've written either some 'inspirational' sayings that I've made up or adapted from other people, along with some of my favorite song lyrics and such. They're there to remind myself to be positive, to look on the bright side, and that life has meaning. It's all stuff that is important to me, and what makes me who I am. Really, it is made to motivate me to keep going. The great thing about using post-its is that I can add and take away things whenever I feel like it, or if it gets full. It's right above my desk, so it's always there whenever I'm working on something.

I also bought a dry erase board that I'm using to keep track of things. To make plans, and to make sure I get them done. It's a constant reminder that I have something that I need to accomplish. It's awesome. I'm already thinking about buying a second one.

These were perhaps the best purchases that I have made in a very long time, and they were super cheap. I'd recommend that anyone and everyone should do something similar.

Where Things Are

There are multiple reasons that I'm doing this whole public journal thing. Three parts I've been thinking about are so that I can get my thoughts out, so they entire world has access to my life, and so I can look back and read about all the things I went through and see how I dealt with them.

I think I should probably just make sure that we all know what's going on at the moment.

I'm completely fine. Tomorrow will be a month since it all went down. I've had plenty of time to deal with everything. I went through a lot of pain, especially the first week and a half. I questioned a lot of things the first two weeks. But I've since figured it all out. I understand why things are this way.

For a while, everything I saw or heard reminded me of her or a memory we had. It was painful. They were freaking amazing memories, but they reminded me of how much it hurt to lose her. Eventually I came to appreciate the memories, but I knew that I couldn't dwell on them because they were of a time that is no longer. At this point things don't always bring her to mind, and when they do it's not a bad thing. I don't spend time on the thoughts, but I don't push them away anymore. They no longer hurt.

It's a difficult topic because it involves someone else. I have no problem letting everybody know everything about me, but I'm not going to throw her personal life out into the internet. So I'm unable to go into full detail about everything the situation included. Just know that she and I are on good terms, and we're still good friends. As a person and a friend, I love her to death. I never want to lose her friendship.

I miss her more than anything. She meant so much to me. I miss everything that we had. It all was so great. But I have to continue living.

Every once in a while I'll see her name, or a picture of her, and it will make my heart skip a beat or turn my stomach. I guess I'll just have to deal with that for now.

I don't regret anything that we had, and I hope she doesn't either. It was good for me. I grew up a lot. I learned a lot about a bunch of different things. She changed me in a good way. I'm still struggling with some things, but I'm stronger and I have a lot more things figured out.

I wish things didn't end, but I guess that's not something I have control of, so I just have to let go and accept the situation. My biggest fear at the moment is that I wont be able to fully be with someone else. I'm afraid that I will constantly be comparing any future girl to her, and I currently don't believe that anyone can ever live up to her. She was perfect for me. Honestly, more than I ever thought I could ever find in a girl. However, I do have hope that I will one day find a girl who likes me as much as I like her, and things will be good. I'm a romantic, it's the reason I exist. Gotta keep up the hope.

Right now I'm doing well. I'm constantly reminding myself to feel positive. I'm trying to stay busy. When you no longer have texts to send, or phone calls and facetime to look forward to, you have to find other ways to spend your time. Saturdays are the most difficult because I used to spend all evening with her. But I'm focusing on some important things, and I'm working hard to make them happen. I'm also relying on good friends to keep me sane.

I am in no way as happy as I was when I was with her, but I'm happy. I'm pretty much right where I was before she came into my life, but with a few improvements.

The Hardest Part Of Life

I honestly think that the most difficult thing that a you will ever have to endure in life is when you care more about a person than that person cares about you.

Recently, I haven't been able to go to sleep unless I'm watching a movie. It distracts my brain. My thoughts slow down, and my hope is that I wont dream of anything that I'm trying to stay clear of. Last night I was watching Bruce Almighty. There is this part where Bruce's girlfriend has left him, and he's trying everything to get her back. Eventually he's sitting outside her window as she's praying. She confesses to God that she still loves Bruce, but she doesn't want to anymore. She asks God to help her stop loving Bruce because she doesn't want to hurt.

I was thinking about how true that is. Not just in my life, but I've seen it in so many people's lives. Actually, I was talking with a coworker about it today. It wasn't something that I brought up, she's the one that said it.

If I'm going to continue being honest, I'd have to say that I don't know what to do about it.

I don't believe it's healthy to try to prevent it from happening. You run the risk of guarding your heart too much, and never allowing yourself to really care fully for someone else. That is perhaps one of life's worst tragedies.

It just sucks so bad. This isn't the first time that it's happened to me. It doesn't even have to be someone with whom you have romantic feelings, it can be anyone who is a good friend. It really hurts to realize that they don't really care about you as much as you care about them. It's just especially bad when it concerns someone that you have feelings for.

All I know is that it sucks. It really does.

Right Now

I'm okay. I'm alive and expecting good things from the future. I'm working hard to attain some goals, and it's a good thing.

Most of the pain is gone. I feel distanced from the situation. The heartbreak is over. I've accepted the way things are, and I'm moving on. I mean, I have to.

It is impossible for me to simply make my feelings stop. They're no longer as strong as they were, but they're still there. I'm trying to focus the energy elsewhere but it's hard.

I just feel empty. Really hollow. I miss her.

The hardest part is knowing that she doesn't miss me.

My Absolute Favorite Thing

My absolute favorite thing in the entire world is when someone is thinking of me.

When I write that, it looks and sounds kind of self-absorbed, and maybe it is, but that's not the way I see it.

The idea that someone out there has you on their mind has to be one of the best feelings ever. It seriously gives me this warm feeling in my chest. The fact that you matter enough to someone for them to just randomly think of you is amazing.

The idea that someone misses you is life changing.

I love to hear that I'm on someone's mind. It makes me feel like someone cares.

It's so freaking awesome when somebody thinks of/sees/hears something that reminds them of you.

I used to try to manufacture this. When I was younger I became a bit obsessive with the color orange. At first, I actually kinda liked it. But then I went overboard because very few people in this world claim orange as their favorite color. It was my hope that people would establish a correlation between me and orange. If they saw something orange, they would think of me. And, believe it or not, it actually worked fairly well. But what I think this says about me is that one of my very biggest fears is being forgotten.

I no longer try to manufacture things of this sort. If my existence crosses someone's mind it's purely natural, and I like it better that way. It means that it is usually something that really matters to me that brings me to someone's mind.

I often have people tell me that they think of me when they listen to Angels & Airwaves. I love that. People remember conversations that they had with me, or just any memory at all that we shared. My sister-in-law just sent me a message telling me that she heard a song on the radio while driving home from work and it brought me to mind. It was a song about what love really means. She not only recognizes that I'm obsessed with the idea of love, but she also knows of the things I've been struggling with recently. She thought I might enjoy it, and that it might help me.

It means so much to me when people care enough to worry. People rarely worry about me.

My favorite thing to experience is to have someone let me know that I crossed their mind. That's it.

New Game Plan

I woke up this morning and my thought process went like this: "New game plan. Don't fall in love. With anyone. Ever. If that is what it feels like when things fall apart, don't let yourself ever be vulnerable. It hurts too much."

I then realized that this was the old game plan. That's the way I've been living for quite some time. I prevented myself from feeling so I wouldn't be hurt.

Now, I'm not going to say I was in love with her. That's a rookie mistake. We weren't together long enough to give feelings of that magnitude a chance. Besides, who am I to even say that I know what love is? I do know that I had really strong feelings, that we had a good connection, and if given enough time it's possible that things might have gone down that road. I'm just saying that I was deciding to give up in general.

As I've written in here before, I had given up before. I had resigned to the thought that no one would ever have feelings for me. When she proved me wrong, I got excited. Not just because a girl liked me, but because she was honestly more than I've ever wanted or expected in a girl. Since things have ended, I've been asking myself a bunch of questions. "Will I ever really like a girl that much again?" "Will I find someone who is better for me than her (everybody keeps saying so)?" "Is there anyone out there who will prove me wrong again, will anyone like me?" "Will I ever fall in love?"

In my current state of being, my honest answer to those questions would have to be: "Probably not. But I'm gonna have to keep trying."

The feelings I had when I was with her were the best feelings I have ever had in my life. They were different than anything before. I was truly the happiest I have ever been. I wanted it to last forever, but maybe it wasn't meant to. If that was even a hint at what it would be like to be in love, then it's worth fighting for. It's worth being vulnerable and risking that gut wrenching, I just want to die, feeling that comes when it ends.

Those feelings were real, and they were the best things that have ever happened to me. I will have to keep trying. THAT is the new game plan.

I Am Human

My entire life I've felt different. I've touched on this before in this journal, and I may do so again. It's a huge part of who I am.

I've been watching a ton of Dexter recently. Not only is it great television, but it's been really good at distracting me (my days have been seeming really long lately, and I need something to fill the time). So if you've seen Dexter, you would understand my next sentence better. I've always held myself to a different code. I didn't feel normal, I didn't feel the way I assumed humans are supposed to feel. So I pretended. I guessed at how to interact with people. I protected myself from being hurt. I didn't let myself feel certain things, and didn't understand some emotions when I felt them. I had rules. I kept higher standards for myself than most people do.

For some time, I came to accept myself as this non-human thing. I was alright with it. I even celebrated my weirdness. When The Killers came out with the song "Human" I proudly proclaimed that I was indeed dancer and not human. Being human seemed too hard, so I decided to live with myself the way that I was. But I still really had this longing to be normal. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to experience the things that humans experience. It just seemed impossible for me.

Within the past couple months I've learned that their are other people like me out there. Many people are damaged. Not by living lives that are made hard by things like abuse, poverty, drugs, or any of the other things we consider terrible. But there are a lot of people who have dealt with a bunch of emotional struggles just like I have. Not everybody has dealt with them the way I have, but there are people who are hurt. People have emotional scars. Some of them are even afraid like me. A lot of them are guarded.

Not everybody is like that. My best friends aren't. They've always been good at living life. Unless you've been where I was, you'd probably never understand someone like me. There are different kinds of people. That's a normal part of life. I always thought I had to be like my friends, because they're normal. But not everybody is the same when it comes to these things. I've learned more and more that I'm not alone in the way I feel.

With all the events that have taken place the last couple of months, I let my guard down. I forgot my code. I didn't care what happened to me. I just wanted to feel. One day, after everything that made me come to that point had come crashing down, I was riding home from work and I realized the most amazing thing ever. I am human. Fully human.

I don't intend to go back to what I was. I will allow myself to be normal. I like this too much.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still weird. I definitely have my share of quirks. But that's just the way some people are. It's all gravy, baby.

Growing

I know it's not anything new. I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before, probably many times. But when you're hurt you have a decision to make. You can either let it damage and scar you, or you can grow from it.

For most of my life I let it damage me. I let myself be the victim. To be completely honest, most people who have had a hand in hurting me had no intention of doing so. I know this to be true. But, of course, it still hurts. This last time around, I know she didn't want to hurt me. And that only helps a little. It still hurts worse than anything. However, I'm choosing for this one to not damage me. Instead, this will help me. I've already learned a great deal about myself. I've learned about people. About relationships. And about a lot more things.

I've changed a lot this past year. More than I ever would have imagined. I've changed a ton even in the past month. Heck, this past week. I'm finding my identity. Growing as a person. Growing up.

I hate that it had to end. I still don't understand everything, and maybe I never will. I guess she made what seemed like the best decision for her, and I'm just gonna have to accept that. I will have to move on with my life. I'm already starting to. But even though I wish it didn't have to be this way, I will grow from this experience. It will be good for me.

I Will Feel

I've struggled for a lot of my life. It's not that I've had a terrible life, because I haven't. Compared to many people in this world, I live an easy life. It's just been a bunch of emotional crap. A lot of it having to do with girls, even more having to do with me not liking myself. It's really too much to put into one post, and it's not really the topic of this entry, but I will definitely elaborate in several posts in the future. I'm going to focus on just one thing for now.

At one point in my life I was going through so much emotional stuff and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was the same thing that had been going on for years, and it was all piling up. It was driving me crazy. The pain was simply too much for me to handle. I made a decision, a decision that no one should ever make. I chose to not feel.

I became numb. Literally no emotions. It hurt too much to feel, so I wasn't going to do it. Sure, I still had a sense of humor and could laugh at jokes, but there was nothing deeper. I couldn't feel any pain, but I also couldn't truly be happy. Worst mistake of my life.

This lasted for about a year. After that year I slowly allowed myself to feel some things, but kept my emotions closely guarded. It wasn't until sometime this past year that I finally let myself completely feel. But I'm still terribly afraid of being hurt.

It's hard to interact with other humans when you can't empathize with them even on the most basic of levels. And it really destroys your own personal development as a human being. To this day I still have to remind myself to feel things, and I'm constantly wondering if what I'm feeling is normal.

Recently some really good things were happening. I became truly very happy for the first time in forever. I let myself feel the most I have in a very long time. This past week, all that came crashing down. I can't really write on that subject, because I still don't fully understand it. But right now I'm hurting. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced before in my life.

The temptation to fall back into that trap and become numb again is so strong. It would be so easy. I wouldn't have to deal with these emotions that are tearing me apart. Honestly, I DON'T want to feel. But I'm choosing to do so.

I know that not feeling is a horrible thing, but at the same time it's extremely difficult to deal with these emotions. The pain is so bad. I'm finding it hard to remember why it's important to feel. As I'm writing this I can't really come up with any good reasons. But I will not go back to that place. I know now that feeling can be the best thing in the world. It's worth fighting for.

I choose to feel. I will feel.

Just bear with me while I have this crap ton of emotional breakdowns. Maybe someday I'll be happy again. It just might take a very long while.

There Is

My favorite song by any band ever is Box Car Racer's "There Is".

Honestly, Box Car Racer is my all time favorite band. I usually tell people that Angels & Airwaves is my favorite band, but that's mainly because more people have heard of AVA, and they still kind of exist. The bands are very similar. Both have/had the Tom DeLonge as their front man. Musically, Box Car Racer is very much so the middle ground between Blink-182 and AVA. Both bands have gotten me through a lot.

I love everything about this song. Literally everything. For me, it is the perfect song. If I had to choose to listen to any one song on repeat for the rest of my life, I would choose this song without giving it a second thought. But my favorite part is the chorus, especially where he says, "Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay, That there's someone out there who feels just like me. There is."

I've always felt alone in this world. There was never any part of me that believed that there was anyone else in this world like me. I'm messed up. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm broken. I'm simply different.

In some aspects, I am different. I am a weird person. I don't say that in a negative way, some people are just weird. There is nothing wrong with that. But I always felt like there was so much more on a deeper level. No one functions like me. No one processes things like me. I know that's all vague, but this post is long so I need to cut it short. I'm sure I'll expand sometime.

Recently, however, I found out that there is. There is at least one person who feels just like me. Someone who thinks about things the same way I do. Someone who understands me. NO ONE has ever actually fully understood why I do the things I do, now matter how hard they might try. I found someone who is just like me.

Maybe there are even more people out there. Actually, that's kinda the reason I'm doing stuff like this.

I'm not alone. It feels so good to say that.

Someone Likes Me

Throughout the years I had convinced myself that I am unlikable. (All throughout this post I'm talking about like-liking. You know what I mean.) Girls haven't liked me since I was 10. I could never figure it out. I don't consider myself the most attractive man in the world, but I also didn't ever think I was really ugly. And I don't think my personality is all that bad. Heck, I've even had girls tell me that I'm practically the ideal guy one way or another. But because of circumstances, or the sheer lack of feelings towards me, girls don't like me. I am unlikable.

Yet, a girl likes me. How does that work?

I have wanted a girl to like me for forever. I've tried so hard to convince myself that I'm not completely unlikable, but recently I had to give up. I gave up trying. I had to admit that maybe I am unlikable.

Now everything has changed. I feel like it can't be real. I've always been one to second guess compliments. I've always been sure people were simply being kind, or they had an alternative motive. People are a bunch of liars.

And all my self-conscious issues are coming up at once. I'm not good looking. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. I'm not talented. I have nothing going for me, why would a girl possibly like me?

To answer that question: I don't know. I mean, yes, we do relate to each other in sometimes uncanny ways. That would definitely bring about a great friendship, however I still don't see how or why she could like me. But she does. She's assured me of that fact. And it's not like I had to settle for some girl that I'm not really into, this girl is amazing.

I really like this girl. She's awesome. I could go on forever. I think maybe I just need to get over myself and accept a good thing when it comes my way. And this is a real good thing.

I Can Be Happy

I'm gonna go ahead and contradict an entry I've already written.

Today, I concluded that I can, and will, be happy.

For a long time I've believed that happiness is simply a state of mind. And, as an idealist, it wasn't something that I could let myself fall into. I didn't want to lose all intelligence just to feel happy inside. It would feel fake. It seemed to me that everything in your life either had to be in order, or you just had to be oblivious to the world. Well, as I mentioned in an earlier post, not everything is in order. And I can't let myself just ignore life. So, by default, I can't be happy.

I think I was wrong. I mean, I was right. But I was also wrong. Happiness IS a state of mind. But those aren't the only ways to be happy. I've decided that happiness is a choice.

I can choose to be okay with life the way that it is. Take into account that there is a lot of crap, and just choose not to dwell in the negative side. Accept who I am, and what my life is. I don't have to have the things I'm pursuing. Just enjoy the journey. Choose to be happy.

It's so simple, and when write it down it doesn't seem like such a big epiphany. But it changes everything.

I wont be faking anything. And I don't have to be all smiles all the time. I just have to be content.

I just have to believe that it's all okay.

Recovering

I don't recover. Ever.

I don't know why. I wish I could recover from stuff. But it seems that once I'm hurt, I will forever be hurt. I don't hold a grudge against the person that hurt me, most often I will forgive them right away. Sometimes I'm even afraid I'm too much of a push over. Actually, to be completely honest, it isn't usually other people who hurt me. I think I do it all to myself. I invest too much, even when I know I shouldn't. It hurts to have all your hope crashing down on you. And I never learn my lesson.

But, you know, sometimes other people do hurt me too.

All in all, though, there is no healing. I can numb the pain. Ignore it, and hope it will go away some day. But it doesn't. It will always bee sitting in the back of my mind. Always ready to come back in full force whenever something reminds me of its existence.

I've been hurt a few times in my lifetime, and I can't seem to get past them. This needs to be fixed.

It also seems that all my entries on here seem to be negative, sad stuff. That needs to change as well. I can't possibly be down all the time. Next time I'll try to think of something more positive.

Happy?

I think I've decided that I'm not meant to be happy.

I don't say that to sound emo. Well, maybe I did at first. But now I definitely feel differently.

I feel this to be true because I always want something that I can't have. It's just one thing after another. It's as if I don't think something is worth pursuing unless it's impossible for me to obtain.

I've heard before that life might not be about being happy, but rather about the pursuit of happiness. And maybe that's true. I've found that I'm most content when I'm searching for something. When I'm pursuing something that can never be. That's just the way that I am. I've always had big dreams. Unattainable goals. I don't know why, but I can't help it.

So, maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, perhaps not everybody is. I'm often perfectly okay with fighting for the things I can't possibly have. It's possible that I'm supposed to keep pursuing my dreams and see what comes of them. Who knows, maybe I will one day find happiness. Or maybe I'll just grow up. We'll see.

Discovering Myself

You'd think after almost 19 years of living with myself I'd know who I am by now. But that's not the case. I'm still trying to figure it out. However, there are a few things I do know about myself for sure, and in order for anyone to really know who I am I think they should be made aware of them as well.

I am Josh Kelly. Confused. Searching. Quick to love. Quick to forgive. Slow to recover. Still wounded. Sometimes hurting. Happiest when the people I care about are happy. Fighting everything. Trying to figure out what I believe. Obsessed with the idea of love. Often lonely. Growing up. Frightened. Excited about life. Hating change. Trust issues. Socially awkward. Secretly introverted. Panic attacks when left alone to think for too long. Loves to be around people. Communication problems. Good at keeping it all hidden.

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