Where Things Are

There are multiple reasons that I'm doing this whole public journal thing. Three parts I've been thinking about are so that I can get my thoughts out, so they entire world has access to my life, and so I can look back and read about all the things I went through and see how I dealt with them.

I think I should probably just make sure that we all know what's going on at the moment.

I'm completely fine. Tomorrow will be a month since it all went down. I've had plenty of time to deal with everything. I went through a lot of pain, especially the first week and a half. I questioned a lot of things the first two weeks. But I've since figured it all out. I understand why things are this way.

For a while, everything I saw or heard reminded me of her or a memory we had. It was painful. They were freaking amazing memories, but they reminded me of how much it hurt to lose her. Eventually I came to appreciate the memories, but I knew that I couldn't dwell on them because they were of a time that is no longer. At this point things don't always bring her to mind, and when they do it's not a bad thing. I don't spend time on the thoughts, but I don't push them away anymore. They no longer hurt.

It's a difficult topic because it involves someone else. I have no problem letting everybody know everything about me, but I'm not going to throw her personal life out into the internet. So I'm unable to go into full detail about everything the situation included. Just know that she and I are on good terms, and we're still good friends. As a person and a friend, I love her to death. I never want to lose her friendship.

I miss her more than anything. She meant so much to me. I miss everything that we had. It all was so great. But I have to continue living.

Every once in a while I'll see her name, or a picture of her, and it will make my heart skip a beat or turn my stomach. I guess I'll just have to deal with that for now.

I don't regret anything that we had, and I hope she doesn't either. It was good for me. I grew up a lot. I learned a lot about a bunch of different things. She changed me in a good way. I'm still struggling with some things, but I'm stronger and I have a lot more things figured out.

I wish things didn't end, but I guess that's not something I have control of, so I just have to let go and accept the situation. My biggest fear at the moment is that I wont be able to fully be with someone else. I'm afraid that I will constantly be comparing any future girl to her, and I currently don't believe that anyone can ever live up to her. She was perfect for me. Honestly, more than I ever thought I could ever find in a girl. However, I do have hope that I will one day find a girl who likes me as much as I like her, and things will be good. I'm a romantic, it's the reason I exist. Gotta keep up the hope.

Right now I'm doing well. I'm constantly reminding myself to feel positive. I'm trying to stay busy. When you no longer have texts to send, or phone calls and facetime to look forward to, you have to find other ways to spend your time. Saturdays are the most difficult because I used to spend all evening with her. But I'm focusing on some important things, and I'm working hard to make them happen. I'm also relying on good friends to keep me sane.

I am in no way as happy as I was when I was with her, but I'm happy. I'm pretty much right where I was before she came into my life, but with a few improvements.