I mean, I was very much the same, I had many of the same insecurities and such. Many of which I've written in here before. But I viewed life differently.
If you asked someone to describe me a couple years ago, they would describe me as passionate. I've always had people tell me I was mature beyond my years. I had big dreams. I saw reality for what it was, but I believed it could be better. I had hope. I had a brighter outlook on things.
About a year ago, everything changed. I started freaking out. I was having panic attacks about life and about the future. I'm homeschooled, and I was falling behind in school in my senior year. I eventually gave up. I literally stopped doing school work. I started just trying to get through the days. I had no driving force. My family has no money, and I don't have anything that could get me through college, especially the college that I want to go to. And I refuse to go to college for something that I'm not passionate about and can't see myself doing for the rest of my life. My parents don't know anything about how to get into college, and I saw that with my two older brothers they were no help. I thought my future was doomed. I didn't know what to do. I lost it, and did nothing.
I became lost and confused. That is how I would be described this past year.
In May and June I went through some girl trouble. Everybody who follows me on twitter knows about that. It was rough. Not so much because of anything she did, or even anything I felt for her. It was difficult because it made me come face to face with who I was. I also had to deal with crap that I thought had gone away. I came out of that situation with a greater knowledge of myself and where my life was. I knew it had to change, I just didn't know how to do it. But I was trying to figure it out. Eventually I came to the point where I was trying to embrace the person that is me.
Through this latest experience, I actually came to like me. At first I thought it was because there was someone else who liked me. And, honestly, that might have been why. After things ended, I hated myself. I wanted to just die. The only reason I liked me was because this other person did, and now she doesn't. But I've now gotten to the point where I have to accept who I am, because I have no choice but to live with me.
For a while I thought I have to be the person I am now. I thought that it was a part of growing up. But I don't think so anymore. I was a much better person a year ago. I was full of life. I had aspiration to be something. I wanted to do something important. Sure, I've been hurt, and I've changed through those experiences as well as some others. I'm wiser than I was a year ago, but I don't have to lose all of the elements that made who I was then.
I can have dreams. I can have hope. I can believe in things. I can have passion. I can do something with my life. And I will.
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