My Happiness

This latest experience was different than the one before it, in a million different ways, one way was that it hurt because I genuinely REALLY liked her. She mean a ton to me. But one thing that it had in common with the last thing I went through was that it forced me to evaluate who I am.

I've been thinking, why do I dislike me? I mean, I try to be a good person. I am a gentleman. I always try to be kind. I try not to be selfish. All in all, I have the makings of a decent person. So, why can't I be happy with who I am?

I came to the conclusion that it's because it feels like no one else likes me. And sometimes I feel very much so alone.

I've had so many girls tell me that I'm a great guy, and that whoever I end up with will be extremely lucky. What I bunch of bull crap. I'm tired of hearing it. If I'm such a good catch why haven't any girls, save one, showed interest? Why would that one that showed interest decide against it? What's wrong with me?

I have no answers for those questions. It's my constant struggle.

But I have also realized something. My happiness seems to depend on other people. I've never let possessions or materialistic things rule my happiness, but people have always had control. I was sincerely very happy for a time. All I thought about was how happy I was. I also liked who I was during that time. I guess it was because someone finally knew me for who I was and actually liked me. When that was no longer the case, I could no longer accept who I am.

I've come to grips with all this. She isn't in my life the way that she used to be, so I can't rely on her to make me happy. I'm cool with who I am. I have to be.

As of right now, I feel like I have completely moved on. I honestly feel like I could hang out with her without it being weird at all. While it's a major relief, it's also a scary feeling. She meant so much to me, and now I don't feel much of anything in that sense. Though it's a good and necessary thing, I kind of don't like it because it feels like I'm fully distanced from the things I loved about her. I dunno. Yeah, I'm still really disappointed that things didn't continue down the road I was hoping for. But I suppose I'm not even allowed to have feelings for her at this point, seeing as how she is dating someone else. It just feels weird being over her, I don't know how to explain it.