One Of Those Days

Yesterday was a bit of a crummy day. Today is even worse.

Just a lot of heavy thoughts on my mind. Emotions are running wild. It's the kind of feeling that causes you to not be able to eat. I mean, I'm hungry, but I just don't find food appealing and I don't know if I could stomach it. I've also shed a few tears.

I really just want to talk to her, and I mean really talk to her. Tell her how things are. How I feel and what goes through my head. But I know I can't. It's not that I am personally unable to do so. If anyone knows anything about me, it's that I'm willing to talk about anything. I just can't put her in that position. Besides, I don't know if she would even be willing to talk to me about that kind of crap. And I don't want what friendship we might still have to disappear even more than it already has.

But right now that's the only thing I know of that could fix this. And she can't ever know.

The New Normal

I've been thinking recently. This is it. This is the new normal. It's actually pretty good. I feel like a completely different person than I was half a year ago. Some things could be better, but I guess that's life. Whatever I'm dealing with now is probably what I'll be dealing with for a while. This is who I am, and I actually kind of like it.

Sometimes I wonder what I was like a year ago. I wonder why people used to like me. I feel that I've pushed a lot of people away and I regret that. Maybe we aren't meant to show people all of who we are. I dunno. People make fun of me a lot and it sometimes hurts. They don't know it. But, oh well, I guess that's life too. I'll just keep being me. I'd rather have a few people like me for who I really am than a whole bunch of people like me for what they perceive me to be.

I Am A Character. My Life Is A Story.

I've written about this kind of stuff a lot on the internet. It's something that's been on my mind for a while now, and I just reached a conclusion about it. I'm afraid that people might be tired of hearing about it, but I really wanted to write it out, so I figured I'd just write it to myself.

For a long time I've intentionally tried to live my life like I was a character in a book. This past year, I've had people say that my life is like a young adult novel or a teenage tv show. I really liked hearing that.

Recently I've been having a bit of a problem, though. I've realized that not all aspects of life are like movies, tv, or books. Especially when it comes to matters of love. In most movies or tv shows there's a major sense of "will they? wont they?" between two characters. They almost always get together by the end. I could be wrong, but based off of my observations, life usually isn't like that.

So, I then struggled with the thought that I'll never find a girl that's right for me. Throughout my entire life I've always felt that I'd have to settle. I mean, I thought I'd find someone who I'd like well enough. But I was almost certain I'd never find someone who made my world turn, or made my heart beat faster every time I even thought about her. If there was one thing this past "relationship", or whatever it was, taught me, it's that someone like that does exist. I was proven wrong, I just might not have to settle.

To this day, I still have no idea what she saw in me. Obviously it wasn't enough, because she changed her mind. But for a small amount of time someone who was amazingly beautiful, who would make my heart rate increase by simply being in the same room, someone who made me smile every single day, who would take me on adventures, someone who I could picture myself in incredibly cute situations with, paid attention to me.

I'm not going to lie, I still definitely have feelings for her. They aren't all-consuming feelings that control my life, but they're still there. I don't know when they'll go away. I don't know if they'll ever go away. I've never been exactly like this before.

I've decided that I'm still going to live my life as if it were a movie. It certainly feels like a movie most of the time, so I don't even have to try. I'm pretty much just going with it. Even though most protagonists win the girl's heart before the movie ends, I realize it's highly unlikely that I'll ever get her back, so I'm not banking on that. She's with someone and they might very well be together for a long time. Hell, they might get married. Why not? Everyone else seems to be getting engaged these days. It's irritating.

But I will find that girl. The one that is special enough to make my heart do crazy things. My movie will have a happy ending. I refuse to settle. I will have my adventures. I will have my incredibly cute moments with my girl. I feel that I'll never be completely happy unless the girl I end up with simply makes consciousness something I desire more than sleep. I don't feel that this is entirely vain or selfish, it's just the way I'm made. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone, and never be able to her that I'm not satisfied. I need to fall in love and be head over heels. Besides, it's not like I've set out some set of requirements this girl has to meet. I don't have anything in mind. She could be any type of person, with any sort of interests, looks, or personality. I just have to be crazy about her.

I will live out my story. I might try to be involved in some of the writing. It will be interesting. It will be exciting. It will be a love story.

Pictures

Memories are a very big deal to me. I've never really owned a decent camera, or really any camera at all. At some point I realized just how fantastic pictures are at capturing moments. I'm a very visual person. Most of my memories come in the sense of what I saw, then I remember what I felt, and eventually what I heard if I happen to remember that at all. I thought it would be awesome to have a camera and be able to capture any moment that I wish, and when I got my iPhone with a decent camera I thought my problem was solved.

It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much memories can suck.

Memories of the most amazing moments that I've ever experienced are now the things that plague me. They haunt me at their own discretion. It's just like in the show Chuck when he flashes, I literally become immobilized for a moment while the memories consume me. I just have to deal with it.

This entry goes hand-in-hand with the last one. Pictures now scare me.

I only have a few. And I haven't been able to bring myself to delete them. I never look at them, but they're there. That's just it, though. Our generation has to deal with something no one has had to deal with to this extent before. With Facebook and all the other social media sites we use, there are pictures and other reminders everywhere. Unless you choose to delete them, you'll always have the pictures and status updates about your exes. If you're on youtube and include a significant other in a video, that video will be there to remind you. That's why I feel bad for Mitchell Davis right now about his break up with Jena.

A question I'm wondering is, should you delete them? That time was a part of your life. It's a part of your story and what made you the person you became. I just don't know.

I'm afraid to take pictures because I don't know when seemingly great times will later come back to hurt me. I don't think I'll ever post pictures of myself and a girl anywhere online unless we've been together for a very long time and it seems like it will last longer. (But, of course, I fear that she will start asking me why I wont post anything online, and I wont be able to explain it without making her mad. Oh, the life I live.)

I deal with memories enough already without pictures, so, even though I think pictures are amazing, I don't think I could handle having those added on to what I already struggle with.

I'm Afraid

Throughout my entire life, I've dealt with a lot of fear.

I'm terribly afraid of spiders. It's not so much a, "Oh my gosh, they're going to kill me" kind of fear. It's an irrational fear, I know that. I know I shouldn't be afraid of them, but I can't help it. Being afraid of spiders has kept me from being able to do some things, or to fully enjoy many other things.

I've had a lot of fears over the years. And, just like with spiders, I've realized that fear will prevent you from being able to enjoy something, or maybe even to do it at all.

I want to rid myself of fear. I want a better life. I actually already have let go of some fears, and it's always a refreshing experience.

Something I discovered recently is that I'm afraid of being happy. As much as I say that I want to be happy, I'm afraid of getting to that place. I've been there before. It was a remarkable time. The best period of my entire life. I'd give anything to be able to live like that for the rest of my life. But it was taken away from me. I'm afraid of that happening again. I'm afraid that just when life seems good, things will go sour again. I'm keeping myself guarded. I'm not guarding myself from feeling, but I wont let myself pursue anything, relational or otherwise, that could make my feel truly happy. It's kind of like being afraid of being hurt, but it somehow feels different. I don't want to live this way, either way.

And I feel the same way about other people, especially couples. I like seeing people happy. But I'm always afraid that something will go wrong and they'll end up hurt. I've seen it happen too many times. I never say anything because I don't want to ruin what they might have, or I don't want them to get mad at me. And I could always just be paranoid. But I'm afraid for them.