Stuff And Things

I'm in a place that I could have never imagined before. I have a lot of things going for me. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I love very much, and who loves me just the same. I'm in college and getting decent grades. I'm a bit strapped for cash, but I have all my needs provided for. I'm doing really good. My future actually looks great.

I've been going through some things, though, that have been troublesome. I've been sick with mono for since the beginning of November. I'm mostly over the mono, I just sometimes deal with the hepatitis that came in a combo deal with it. But it was difficult to do my school work, especially during the first few weeks of the sickness. I have to keep a good GPA for one of my scholarships, so it was really stressting me out.

Not having money and having to rely on other people for things is sometimes hard. I don't usually care too much about accepting kindness. I realize that sometimes it is simply best to accept a blessing and be grateful. But it's difficult for me to not be able to contribute more. Even in Christmas gifts or something, I'd like to express my gratitude and give something back, but I can't really depart with too much money. I can't drive. My parents screwed me over by never teaching me how to drive. I'm 20 years old and I don't have a driver's license. In fact, driving actually frightens me. I'm tired of being a burden to people who have to drive me around all the time. It also makes getting a job more difficult because I would need transportation, and I don't want to always rely on people to fit me into their schedules. So we're back to money.

I lost some very important footage the other day. It made me fall apart. I have no idea how it got lost. I wanted to blame someone, anyone, even myself, but I don't know whose fault it could be. So ultimately it's my failure. I ruined everything. Honestly, I thought about killing myself over it, but I couldn't do that while living here and stuff. But I did get very depressed. Still am, I guess. I've been getting stressed out a lot lately. It's not good for me.

Failure is something I'm not good at. I've always strived to be the best. It's like I have something to prove. Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough at being a person, so, in order to have some kind of value, I have to be good at things. I have to be smart. I have to be talented. I have to be funny. Why else would anyone want me to be a part of their life? Every time I mess up, every time I let someone down, every time I fail, it's devastating to me.

Past Few Weeks

The past few weeks have been some of the most trying times of my life.

I got into a physical fight with my father, got kicked out of my house, and my mother really hurt me emotionally. I've recently learned that having a good relationship with your parents is beneficial, so I've been trying to work on that. However, things have been worse than ever before as of late and they just got out of control.

Your family is supposed to be the people that will always be there for you. They should love you no matter what. They're supposed to support you. I feel abandoned.

My parents are trying to reconcile things with me, but a part of me feels that we're past that. I've been hurt too much. It would be nice to fix things, but almost just so I can get all my stuff out of the house and get my birth certificate and stuff. I also went to the eye doctor recently, so it would be nice to get my prescription so I could get new glasses. I guess insurance would come in handy too. And I want to see my younger brothers. I miss them. I just have no desire to have any relationship with my parents anymore.

I started college. Actually, I just finished my first week of classes. I'm stressed out. I honestly have no doubt that I'll pass my classes, I'm just freaking out about my GPA. I have to keep a good GPA for one of the scholarships that I have, and it's a nice scholarship. I want to keep it.

I was homeschooled since second grade, so I've never had to do any homework. I've also never really written any real papers. Because I had a great score on the English portion of the ACT, they figured I was really good at English and placed me in Advanced Expos & Research. I've never written a research paper in my life and felt that I was in over my head. I'm great at grammar and sentence structure, I just have no experience with that type of writing. I felt like I was playing catch up with the rest of the class. I dropped that class.

I've been feeling really sick the past few days. It might just be allergies, but there have been time when it was so overwhelming I honestly felt like I was dying. I'm trying to meet new people and make a good impression, but I always feel ridiculous with the way my voice sounds because of all this sinus stuff. It sucks.

Living with a roommate is different. I just wanna skype my girlfriend or watch netflix during any down time I have. But then I realize I should probably be considerate of him. I don't feel like I can completely be myself. He's a better person than I am and I feel bad saying or doing things I know he doesn't approve of.

All this stuff has been going on and usually I'd talk to my girlfriend about it, but she's been super busy. Her mom came out to visit her for her birthday, which was great, I'm really glad that they got to spend some time together. I know she needed that. But I just really need her a lot more than usual right now, you know? I try not to be needy on a regular basis, but I know that I'm needy right now. I feel lost and alone. Our 4 month anniversary came up. I know that might not be a big deal to most people, but we usually do something special on our month anniversaries. This time we barely got to talk at all. It made me sad. Her birthday was the next day and it was the same thing. In addition to just not being able to talk very long, I really just hated not being able to celebrate with her. I really wish I could have been there with her on her birthday. Things just keep coming up that keep her busy. I miss her a lot.

I'm scared about a lot of things. Financially, I have nothing. I have no money. I don't know where my future will go. I'm just worried about so many areas of life.

I start counseling tomorrow. It's something I could have used throughout my entire life. I'm kind of nervous. I really hope it helps me.

This Is Good

I've been hesitant to write in my journal recently. I'm actually doing really well. I'm doing the best that I've ever been. Life is really good.

I know that I have some followers that can relate to my struggles, and so maybe it was my hurt that made them able to connect with me, and I didn't want to shove my happiness down their throats and make them feel alienated.

I realized that if I abandoned this journal just because I was afraid of writing happy things, then I had forgotten the purpose of this thing.

I want everyone to know that I still remember all of the struggles I've gone through. I know what it's like. But right now I'm on the other side of that. I've gotten through it. I still want to be there for anyone who needs someone with whom they can relate. If anything, my happiness should offer hope to those who are still struggling. You can be happy too.

I still have moments where I struggle. I don't know for sure if depression ever completely goes away. There are occasions where I remember the times people have hurt me. Sometimes I'm afraid of being hurt again. But now I have someone in my life who will always talk it through with me. She always makes sure that I'm okay. I think this will last.

So, I'm going to continue writing in this journal. I might talk about things that go on inside my head. I might talk about the hard parts of being in a long distance relationship. I might talk about being happy. We'll see where this goes.

Life In Its Current State

I came to a point in my life where I realized I was holding on to things. I had to let them go if I was ever to allow new things to come into my life.

I talk a lot about letting go, but it was truly real this time. I knew I had to completely let go and let God do his thing in my life. It was when I gave up in a sense, and allowed God to fulfill his plan in my life, that good things started to happen.

I met a girl. A really incredible girl. We have now been dating for two weeks. Things are serious, things are certain. Everything is amazing. I couldn't ask for anything more.

As much as I've written in this journal about past girls, and as much as they have truly meant to me, this girl is different. With any other girl I've been with, there were always doubts - either on my side of the girl's side. This time around neither of us have any doubts. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

The last girl I was with proved to me that I wouldn't have to settle for a girl that I didn't feel was ideal for me, and this girl is so much more. I like everything about her. Every single thing I've ever looked for is contained in this one spectacular girl. She's better than I could have ever imagined.

I'm happy. Now, I don't believe that you have to have a significant other to be happy. I just believe you might have to stop holding yourself back from enjoying life. You have to allow good things to come, whether those things are people or whatever else. I wasn't sure if I'd ever truly be happy, and now I really am. Nothing is eating away at the back of my mind, this just feels right in every way.

This is good for me. I've never had anything more healthy. Sure, we've only been together two weeks, but I feel confident our relationship will be the best imaginable.

This all makes me excited about life again.

Just breathe.

I constantly wonder why I'm so different. Why I say, do, and feel the things that no one else does.

I have to remind myself to just breathe sometimes. Let things be.

Maybe I'm just weird and I have to deal with the consequences of that.

Time

I believe that things will work out.

I've gone through things in my life that were difficult. They don't phase me at all now. In fact, they seem so little compared to what I'm currently trying to figure out. But they felt so big at the time.

Maybe time is the key. That sounds so cliche, but I'm a believer in cliches. Things are often cliche because they're so true.

In time, I believe that I'll be alright. I mean, I am actually doing pretty fine right now. But I'm positive that eventually I'll be doing much better. And I have a feeling that time might not be too far away.

I don't know what the future has in store for me. I may be surprised. Anything is possible. But I'm sure that things will work out one way or another.

Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot recently about what "happy" means to me.

I've written a lot about it before. Am I happy? Can I be happy? Yes, I can be happy. In fact, I will be happy. It seems that my thoughts on this matter keep changing. So maybe these next thoughts will be discarded soon enough.

I don't think I'm made to be happy. Like, I don't think it is something I'm intended to be. Sometimes I feel content, and I think that is the best feeling I'm allowed to have. If I can be rid of worries and hurt, then I consider it a win. That's when I'm content and that's the best I get.

To me, being "happy" would include being content, but it would also include just being excited about life. A sense of enjoyment in living. I don't have that. I can only recall one time I ever felt that way, and it lasted for about a month and a half. That time is long gone.

I know it seems everything I write is about my girl problems. And, yes, this is somewhat about that. It was when I was with a girl that I was "happy". But it's more than that. During that time, everything just felt right. I know a girl isn't going to fix me. I realize that I don't need a girl. Could a girl help? Possibly. But it isn't the answer. Maybe it was the particular girl I was with. Maybe it was the things she taught me. Maybe it was how she was the only one in the world that ever made me feel that way. All that aside, it may have been the things that happened in my mind during that time. It felt like I had someone rooting for me, I don't have that person anymore. I knew that someone cared about me, actually liked me, and trusted me. I had someone I could open up to, so I could get all these thoughts out and hear someone's opinions of them. All these qualities could be attained from someone without any romantic involvement.

All of that was about another person, though. Even before anything ever happened between us, she said that I had a lot of potential. To me, that was the greatest thing any person could have said. If someone says I'm good at something, I don't believe them. If someone says I suck, I will believe them and it will tear me apart. I don't know exactly what she meant by that statement, I never asked her because our conversation went elsewhere. But if someone says I show potential, it excites me. It reminds me that I have a future and someone thinks I could accomplish big things. It helped me to believe in myself.

Listen, I'm alright. I don't have anything figured out. I still break down sometimes. But every once in a while I feel content. I feel okay with my life. I don't wake up in the morning excited to live it, but I'm fine with it. That's a step up for me. Maybe there isn't a universal rule for humans. Maybe I will only be happy when I find someone. Perhaps different people are wired differently, and since I'm a romantic I need to be with someone. But that's not good for me. I could find a girl to be with somewhat easily, but it'd be nearly impossible for me to find someone that I'd be crazy about.

Or maybe I just need someone in my life to be there for me. I lack that person right now. Growing up and growing apart sucks.

SO

Here I am. Strangely, I feel good. It's gotten to the point that a good feeling feels weird.

I think some things are finally in a good place. College is looking good. Money is still scary, but I'm finding some good scholarships and stuff.

Other things still aren't sorted out.

I wish I could fix this one thing, but I'm realizing that maybe it's not broken.

I went on a long walk today, visiting some places with big memories attached to them. I cried my eyes out. I felt abandoned. I needed a hug. I told no one. But I think it was good for me.

I'm starting to seriously wonder what a few certain people think of me. They say one thing, but I'm getting the sense that they think something entirely different.

I'm beginning to think that I'll never get to have that one thing I need most. And I no longer used the term "need" loosely at all.

I've also been listening to the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" on repeat. I don't really know why. My friend/kids pastor and I blasted it in his car on Friday singing along at the top of our lungs. It's a fun song to sing along with. I guess maybe I'm just obsessed with love type songs, especially the kind about someone wanting someone he can't have.

One Of Those Days

Yesterday was a bit of a crummy day. Today is even worse.

Just a lot of heavy thoughts on my mind. Emotions are running wild. It's the kind of feeling that causes you to not be able to eat. I mean, I'm hungry, but I just don't find food appealing and I don't know if I could stomach it. I've also shed a few tears.

I really just want to talk to her, and I mean really talk to her. Tell her how things are. How I feel and what goes through my head. But I know I can't. It's not that I am personally unable to do so. If anyone knows anything about me, it's that I'm willing to talk about anything. I just can't put her in that position. Besides, I don't know if she would even be willing to talk to me about that kind of crap. And I don't want what friendship we might still have to disappear even more than it already has.

But right now that's the only thing I know of that could fix this. And she can't ever know.

The New Normal

I've been thinking recently. This is it. This is the new normal. It's actually pretty good. I feel like a completely different person than I was half a year ago. Some things could be better, but I guess that's life. Whatever I'm dealing with now is probably what I'll be dealing with for a while. This is who I am, and I actually kind of like it.

Sometimes I wonder what I was like a year ago. I wonder why people used to like me. I feel that I've pushed a lot of people away and I regret that. Maybe we aren't meant to show people all of who we are. I dunno. People make fun of me a lot and it sometimes hurts. They don't know it. But, oh well, I guess that's life too. I'll just keep being me. I'd rather have a few people like me for who I really am than a whole bunch of people like me for what they perceive me to be.

I Am A Character. My Life Is A Story.

I've written about this kind of stuff a lot on the internet. It's something that's been on my mind for a while now, and I just reached a conclusion about it. I'm afraid that people might be tired of hearing about it, but I really wanted to write it out, so I figured I'd just write it to myself.

For a long time I've intentionally tried to live my life like I was a character in a book. This past year, I've had people say that my life is like a young adult novel or a teenage tv show. I really liked hearing that.

Recently I've been having a bit of a problem, though. I've realized that not all aspects of life are like movies, tv, or books. Especially when it comes to matters of love. In most movies or tv shows there's a major sense of "will they? wont they?" between two characters. They almost always get together by the end. I could be wrong, but based off of my observations, life usually isn't like that.

So, I then struggled with the thought that I'll never find a girl that's right for me. Throughout my entire life I've always felt that I'd have to settle. I mean, I thought I'd find someone who I'd like well enough. But I was almost certain I'd never find someone who made my world turn, or made my heart beat faster every time I even thought about her. If there was one thing this past "relationship", or whatever it was, taught me, it's that someone like that does exist. I was proven wrong, I just might not have to settle.

To this day, I still have no idea what she saw in me. Obviously it wasn't enough, because she changed her mind. But for a small amount of time someone who was amazingly beautiful, who would make my heart rate increase by simply being in the same room, someone who made me smile every single day, who would take me on adventures, someone who I could picture myself in incredibly cute situations with, paid attention to me.

I'm not going to lie, I still definitely have feelings for her. They aren't all-consuming feelings that control my life, but they're still there. I don't know when they'll go away. I don't know if they'll ever go away. I've never been exactly like this before.

I've decided that I'm still going to live my life as if it were a movie. It certainly feels like a movie most of the time, so I don't even have to try. I'm pretty much just going with it. Even though most protagonists win the girl's heart before the movie ends, I realize it's highly unlikely that I'll ever get her back, so I'm not banking on that. She's with someone and they might very well be together for a long time. Hell, they might get married. Why not? Everyone else seems to be getting engaged these days. It's irritating.

But I will find that girl. The one that is special enough to make my heart do crazy things. My movie will have a happy ending. I refuse to settle. I will have my adventures. I will have my incredibly cute moments with my girl. I feel that I'll never be completely happy unless the girl I end up with simply makes consciousness something I desire more than sleep. I don't feel that this is entirely vain or selfish, it's just the way I'm made. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone, and never be able to her that I'm not satisfied. I need to fall in love and be head over heels. Besides, it's not like I've set out some set of requirements this girl has to meet. I don't have anything in mind. She could be any type of person, with any sort of interests, looks, or personality. I just have to be crazy about her.

I will live out my story. I might try to be involved in some of the writing. It will be interesting. It will be exciting. It will be a love story.

Pictures

Memories are a very big deal to me. I've never really owned a decent camera, or really any camera at all. At some point I realized just how fantastic pictures are at capturing moments. I'm a very visual person. Most of my memories come in the sense of what I saw, then I remember what I felt, and eventually what I heard if I happen to remember that at all. I thought it would be awesome to have a camera and be able to capture any moment that I wish, and when I got my iPhone with a decent camera I thought my problem was solved.

It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much memories can suck.

Memories of the most amazing moments that I've ever experienced are now the things that plague me. They haunt me at their own discretion. It's just like in the show Chuck when he flashes, I literally become immobilized for a moment while the memories consume me. I just have to deal with it.

This entry goes hand-in-hand with the last one. Pictures now scare me.

I only have a few. And I haven't been able to bring myself to delete them. I never look at them, but they're there. That's just it, though. Our generation has to deal with something no one has had to deal with to this extent before. With Facebook and all the other social media sites we use, there are pictures and other reminders everywhere. Unless you choose to delete them, you'll always have the pictures and status updates about your exes. If you're on youtube and include a significant other in a video, that video will be there to remind you. That's why I feel bad for Mitchell Davis right now about his break up with Jena.

A question I'm wondering is, should you delete them? That time was a part of your life. It's a part of your story and what made you the person you became. I just don't know.

I'm afraid to take pictures because I don't know when seemingly great times will later come back to hurt me. I don't think I'll ever post pictures of myself and a girl anywhere online unless we've been together for a very long time and it seems like it will last longer. (But, of course, I fear that she will start asking me why I wont post anything online, and I wont be able to explain it without making her mad. Oh, the life I live.)

I deal with memories enough already without pictures, so, even though I think pictures are amazing, I don't think I could handle having those added on to what I already struggle with.

I'm Afraid

Throughout my entire life, I've dealt with a lot of fear.

I'm terribly afraid of spiders. It's not so much a, "Oh my gosh, they're going to kill me" kind of fear. It's an irrational fear, I know that. I know I shouldn't be afraid of them, but I can't help it. Being afraid of spiders has kept me from being able to do some things, or to fully enjoy many other things.

I've had a lot of fears over the years. And, just like with spiders, I've realized that fear will prevent you from being able to enjoy something, or maybe even to do it at all.

I want to rid myself of fear. I want a better life. I actually already have let go of some fears, and it's always a refreshing experience.

Something I discovered recently is that I'm afraid of being happy. As much as I say that I want to be happy, I'm afraid of getting to that place. I've been there before. It was a remarkable time. The best period of my entire life. I'd give anything to be able to live like that for the rest of my life. But it was taken away from me. I'm afraid of that happening again. I'm afraid that just when life seems good, things will go sour again. I'm keeping myself guarded. I'm not guarding myself from feeling, but I wont let myself pursue anything, relational or otherwise, that could make my feel truly happy. It's kind of like being afraid of being hurt, but it somehow feels different. I don't want to live this way, either way.

And I feel the same way about other people, especially couples. I like seeing people happy. But I'm always afraid that something will go wrong and they'll end up hurt. I've seen it happen too many times. I never say anything because I don't want to ruin what they might have, or I don't want them to get mad at me. And I could always just be paranoid. But I'm afraid for them.

Today, And Tomorrow

I am currently unemployed. It wasn't on purpose. I left my job because I thought I had another one lined up. But that didn't pan out. I could have taken back my two weeks notice, my boss really liked me. But I have a ton of school related stuff that I'm just not getting done. I figured I'll accomplish all that, and I'll also have a lot more time to spend on my creative projects. So, I don't have a source income right now, but I feel that this is a good place for me for the time being.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm doing really well. I've worked some things out in my head that needed to be worked out. As much as I want to give people advice and hope, I've learned that people often have to figure things out for themselves. I pray that something I say could help them figure that stuff out, and maybe there's hope in knowing that you will sort it all out eventually.

I'm good at the moment. Sure, I don't have everything the way I'd like for it to be, but life is looking good. I'm full of hope. I have some good friends. I choose to be positive every single day. I let myself feel what I need to feel. If I feel bad, I feel bad. If I feel good, I feel good. It's a part of living. I ended up not having to cut anyone out of my life, I just can't allow myself to focus on the things that would bring me down.

I just feel really complete. For maybe the first time in my life, I feel like a complete person. A lot of that is knowing yourself and having confidence. But there is more. Maybe it's realizing that no matter how much you may want someone, you don't need anyone.

I plan on feeling like this tomorrow, and for many days and years to come.

So Freaking Old

I hate being this old. A lot of people like it, and when you're in your younger teens you almost definitely look forward to it. But it's honestly about to drive me insane.

I have so many decisions to make, and they all have serious life consequences.

Finances are a big thing. I need to buy a car. However, I'll be out of a job in two days. It's a complicated situation, but I think it might be for the best. Then there's college. I'm going to go into so much debt for college. It frightens me to no end. I have no idea what I'm doing.

There are so many other decisions, and they all intimidate me.

More and more, I'm considering cutting someone out of my life entirely. It's not at all what I want. But I'm afraid that I can't live like this anymore.

I dunno

I get to the point where I'm doing so well. Things are good. My head is on straight. I'm in a great mood. I have hope. Things make sense. Everything is just as good as I can possibly expect it to be.

And then... I see something.

It all changes. It shakes my entire being. I know nothing has actually changed. Things are exactly the way they were the day before, and every single day before that. But certain things inside my head change. I fall apart. And I have no one to talk to about it.

Valentine's Day

I have a feeling that this is going to be long.

Today is Valentine's Day. Bleh.

I've been a romantic all my life, and yet I haven't had a significant other on Valentine's Day since 1st Grade (and even then they paired us up alphabetically, so I wasn't with my girlfriend). To be honest, Valentine's Day hasn't really depressed me all that much before. I was single. Okay. Not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. I had the future to look forward to. That's alright.

This year is different, though. I hoped to be with someone. Not just 'someone' as an idea, but a specific person. I had every intention to be with her today and for many more days. Obviously, things didn't play out as I would have liked. I've dealt with that. It's cool. Life goes on. But no matter how much forward motion I gain, part of me doesn't let go. I've come to grips with this. I will let my emotions play out. Whatever happens happens. I wont force any feelings to come or leave. But what that means is part of me is still thinking about certain things. That's the hardest part. I try to make myself not think about her being with someone else. I knew that was coming. From everything I've heard, he's a great guy. I genuinely hope they're happy together. She deserves to be happy, and if I can't be the one to make her happy, then I hope she finds someone who can. It's just a thought that turns my stomach and can sometimes still have an effect on my appetite. So this year is a little rough.

I'm alone again. Shouldn't be a problem. I've done this for quite a few years.

I've said before that girls don't like me. Looking back, I realized that I was lying to myself. Girls do like me. Perhaps not as often as they do some other guys, but it does happen. The thing is, it's rarely a girl that I'm interested in. And when it actually is someone I like, the timing is really bad, or they don't tell me until everything has changed. But girls do like me. That's cool.

Today actually started out pretty well. A friend and I are both Valentineless this year, so we decided we could be each other's honorary Valentines. It's been good. She's a really nice friend to have. I appreciate anyone who goes out of their way to be nice and talk to me. I don't get that very much anymore.

Haha. I just had two tear drops run down my face. Fun times.

I want a girlfriend. When I say that, people don't exactly understand what I mean. They insist that you don't need a significant other to be happy. They are completely right. You have to learn to love yourself before you can responsibly love anyone else. You have to have the ability to be happy when you're single before you ever go into a relationship, because, if not, you might not ever truly be happy. Your happiness will depend on that person, and that's dangerous.

Here's what I mean. I would never date anyone just to date someone. I wouldn't do that to a girl, and I couldn't do that to myself. I've had the opportunity to date a couple girls, but both times it was just something casual for me. I knew that I couldn't be that type of person. As much as I make fun of people who only date with the intention of marriage, there has to be some sense of legitimacy to a relationship. Something real and long term. I would only go into a relationship if I'm absolutely crazy about a girl. When I'm attracted to a girl, it's not just about physical appearance. In fact, physical appearance has very little to do with it. There are many amazingly hot girls out there that I would never pursue. Yes, I do have to be attracted to her. I do think that's important. But I'm really interested in personality, theology, philosophy, past, plans for the future, family, friends, and things like that. And crazy. Every girl I've ever liked has had at least some level of crazy. Plus there's some other element that is a mystery. That little thing that adds a spark to life.

When I say that I want a girlfriend, I mean that I want to feel that way. I want to be crazy about a girl. I want to fall head over heels for her. I want to experience all those exhilarating feelings again. I would hope that she feels the same way about me. I want all the things that go along with a relationship. I've had a taste, and I want more.

I don't need a girlfriend to be happy. To be completely real, I actually am relatively happy. With me, everything is relative. Sure, there are some things that I'd like to change. I wish certain things were different than they are. But I'm pretty content. I fought to get to this place. I had to learn who I was, then become who I needed to be. I know who I am now, and I like that person. The future is looking good. I'm excited.

In other news, I posted a video today. Some people really liked it, but I haven't been receiving half the response I was hoping for. I'm kind of really bummed out. Oh, and I'm sick too. Great day.

Yep. I was right. This ended up pretty much being the length of a short novel. Oh well. I needed that.

Josh Kelly

I sometimes refer to myself in the third person. I've done this for a long time. It shocks me whenever people are surprised by it. The thing is, I'm not the one who started it.

It started years ago. I think it began when people would talk about me and they would always refer to me as "Josh Kelly". I asked people why I was the only one listed with a last name when everybody else they talked about was just referred to by their first names. I thought maybe it was because they might know other people named Josh and they used my last name to avoid confusion. But they all told me it was because I am Josh Kelly. It describes me.

People don't know me as Josh. When they see me, almost every single time, they greet me with "JOSH KELLY!"

Over time, Josh Kelly has become his own beast. I feel that in some ways it has grown to be a larger persona than the person that I am. It encompasses some characteristics that I fear I might not live up to. People have expectations of Josh Kelly. Josh Kelly is an idea.

Maybe that's true. Maybe Josh Kelly is bigger than me. He might be more than I can be at one time. Or maybe I am him, and I've just lost touch with part of it. I used to feel that Josh Kelly got out of my control. But recently, more and more, I feel like I am Josh Kelly.

Talking

I love finding people who think and feel like me. Every time I find someone like that, it feels as if my entire world is changing again. The realization that you're not alone is among the most amazing feelings. I only ever knew one person like that in 'real life', and because of our situation we no longer talk about serious things anymore. I miss that more than anything. I miss being able to talk to someone and knowing that they not only care, but they know exactly what it's like. I wish I knew more people in 'real life' who function like me. But it seems easier to find those kinds of people on the internet. I'm just terrible at starting friendships.

"Hi, you and I think alike, and I need someone that I can talk to about anything. Would you like to be that person? I promise I'm really good at listening too."

Jumbled Words Of Nonsense That Shouldn't Exist

I wasn't going to write this. I don't want anyone to read it. But it is something that I would write in a private journal, and that's what this whole thing is about. So I wrote it.

Everyday thoughts of the past go through my head. I can't stop them. People keep asking me why I'm so quiet on random occasions and I can't tell them. I am preoccupied. The thoughts are heavy and I miss the reality that they used to represent. I'm often lost in a world that was, but is no more. They come out of the blue, at whatever moment they please. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. It's been a long time now. I'm over it. It doesn't hurt anymore. I've accepted everything. I'm moving on with my life. I just miss that time, I miss her, I miss those feelings, and I'm not sure where to go from here.

There are times that, in contrast to that entire last paragraph, I'm loud and obnoxious. I act crazy. People like that version of me. I like that version of me. But I'm only that person when I'm forcing myself to forget. When I push those thoughts away from my mind and I do whatever it takes to keep them away. I'm intentionally scatter brained because that's the only way things make sense.

I'm at a very weird point in my life. I don't know how long it has been since everything, I stopped thinking about it. But it's been a while. And in many regards I'm ready to move forward. There is a particular girl that catches my fancy. She would be good for me in many regards. She's responsible in ways that I'm not, and I think I probably need that in a girl. She's smart, attractive, kind, and has a good grasp on her future. Out of everyone in this world, she's the only girl that has that extra something that makes her stand out to me as someone I could pursue. As is always the case, things are a little complicated. I've been told that she's said before that she doesn't want to date in college, and she has two years left. I'm getting signals that she might be interested, which would be cool, but I sometimes confuse friendship with something more. I don't have any idea how to pursue a girl.

And I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready.

Sometimes I'm afraid that no one will ever live up to her.

The Doctor

I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately. Too much, in fact. I was a little iffy on the show at first, but I've come to love it. Now I'm pretty much obsessed. I'm spending far too much time watching that show when I should be doing something productive. I just can't help it.

I like fictional characters. I often fall in love with fictional girls. It's easier and the heart break isn't as bad. I also find inspiration for how to live my life from fictional people.

Chief among that list are Captain Jack Sparrow, Shawn Spencer, and The Doctor.

I like Jack Sparrow. I like how he kind of makes things up as he goes along. No real plan, but things usually end up working in the end. Actually, all three of these people are like that to some degree. I also like how he doesn't take things too seriously. Things happen and he just goes along with it. Unless the rum is gone.

Shawn Spencer is misunderstood by a lot of people. I guess that too fits the description of everyone on this list. But he's really good natured and wants the best for everyone. He's just trying to figure things out. I think his heightened observation skill is really cook, since it's something I kind of have. Not exactly to that degree, but I notice things and I can remember them visually. I can relate to him a lot in other aspects, such as his love life. And I'm envious of his outgoing personality. It reminds me of what I miss about myself.

The Doctor is outgoing. Commanding. He has plans, but they're made up on the spot. He's "really clever". Let's be honest, most incarnations are pretty good looking. His heart breaks, but he learns how to deal with it. He usually makes the right decisions, no matter how hard they are. He's the hero of the story. I don't know for sure, but I think most people have the desire to be the hero. I know I do.

I've been noticing that my old energy has been coming back since my last post. I've been more outgoing that I have been the past year or so. I've been more fun to be around. People mistake my actions as ADD, but it's just who I am. And it's who I want to be.

What happened?

When I was younger, like even just a year ago, I was excitable. I was impulsive. People knew me as energetic and passionate. I was an attention whore. I was incredibly easy going. I was active. But that is no more.

I feel that it's still there somewhere, and I hope that it'll come to the surface again sometime soon. But I've really 'mellowed out' over the past year or so. It's not entirely bad, I just feel that it isn't who I am. I often feel that cliche feeling of having "the weight of the world on my shoulders".

Every once in a while a part of that energy will show, I just wish it was consistent like it used to be.

I think the first major event impacting this change in behavior was back in May/June when I had some girl troubles. It wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it did have a big affect on me. When I like a girl, everyone knows. I can't hide it. At times, it's been a major curse (I've had girls distance themselves from me because they realized I had feelings for them). My feelings drive me, and I'm incapable of stopping this while continuing to feel. When things weren't working out the way I would have preferred, I got really down. I was just really sad, and it showed. People were constantly asking me if I was okay. I went from a fun loving guy to someone who constantly had something on his mind.

The lack of excitement started showing in everything I did. My youtube videos started to majorly suffer. I hate a lot of them. I'm always so tired, and I'm distracted with all this crap going on inside my head. I feel that in a ton of my videos I seem really lame/bored/tired/forced. I'm taking some time off so that I can come back to them with some more umph.

I just really miss that excitement.

Paused Existence

I've struggled with depression for a long time. For most clinical cases of depression, it's caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. So, people who deal with depression often start at a young age, and may have to deal with it the rest of their lives (sometimes with the help of medication). I've had a few events in my life that have really shook my entire being. On only a couple of these occasions I've had this one particular feeling.

It's the desire to just stop existing. You kind of want to kill yourself, but not really. You realize that suicide is too extreme. It's irreversible, and wouldn't truly solve your problems. But you're overwhelmed. You can't take life anymore. You've lost all control, and you don't know what to do. Whenever I had this feeling I was experiencing incredible emotional pain, and I had no way of stopping it. You just wish that you could disappear for a while. Your world is falling apart. It feels like time is moving so slowly, yet everyone else around you is moving so fast. Nothing is right, and no one else seems to notice. All you want to do is cease to exist for some time, let things resolve, and come back when things are alright again.

Obviously, that's impossible. But it's all you feel in some extreme circumstances.

I don't feel that way now. I did, oh goodness I did, for about a week after October 3rd. But that's long gone. I was just reading something last night that someone posted where they talked about that feeling. I didn't know anyone else ever felt that way. It was incredibly comforting to know that I wasn't the only one. I need to remember these kinds of feelings so I can remind other people that I truly know how they feel.

Human Emotions

When things ended, when my life was falling apart, when the person I wanted to love told me it was no more, I wanted to hate her.

I've never been able to understand hate before. I've always been all about love, forgiveness, and peace. So the idea of being able to hate someone never made sense to me. I didn't know how it could exist. But for the first time ever, I understood it. I wanted to be angry. It would have been much easier to just be mad at her, to hate her, cut her entirely out of my life and never speak to her again. I think I discovered that you can never really grasp hate until love has let you down.

It explains all those angry songs out there. They're pretty much all about failed attempts at love.

But I couldn't hate her. She meant/means too much to me. Just because she decided that she didn't want to be with me anymore didn't mean that the things that made me crazy about her ceased to exist.

And you can't hold someone's feelings against them.

Every good story is a love story. Watch any movie. Though there are a few exceptions, almost every decent movie contains a love story. Whether it's the main story line, or a subplot, it's there somewhere. This is because it's something that everybody understands and has experienced. And it doesn't have to make sense. We all know that feelings are crazy things. It is a difficult task to control your emotions, and those of us that have learned to do so regret it. Love stories are fantastic stories because not everything has to be explained. Not everything has reasoning. It's just the way feelings are.

I can't be mad at her for the way she feels. Yeah, sure, it hurt(s) me. It really sucks for me. But that's the way life is.

Feelings and emotions are what make us human. You can't hold them against someone.

I Take Offense

My whole life I've been led to believe that guys are heartless creatures that only live to devour the heart of any girl who is willing to fall for them. I've spent all my teenage years trying to prove to girls that this is wrong. Well, now that idea just pisses me off.

It's a stupid idea. Sure, there are some jerks that fit that description. But I promise you there are some girls that fit that description as well. I know some perfectly nice guys, they're called my best friends. I AM a nice guy. In fact, it angers me that nice guys are ignored. I feel that, even though girls claim that they hate bad boys, they actually love them. Girls rarely give nice guys a chance.

I've come to the conclusion that there are a great number of both guys and girls that are wonderful human beings. There is also a decent number of both guys and girls that are players/jerks/heartless/unstable/casual lovers/stupid/other undesirable things. I'm so tired of hearing that guys are mean. No one should ever generalize something like that.

I swear, if I read another facebook status update about all guys being jerks, I'm going to stab a kitten.

What I'd Change

Whenever things go wrong, it seems people often say things like "I don't regret anything" and "I wouldn't do anything differently". I'm usually like that. I mean, I don't say those things about my life as a whole. There are many things I regret. A lot of things I'd like to change. But as far as it goes for specific events, I'll look back and agree that I wouldn't do anything different. Well, the truth is, with this last experience, there are a few things I wish I could change.

I don't really regret anything. While it was all happening, I truly enjoyed it. I was the happiest I've ever been, and maybe ever will be. It also helped change me for the better. I grew and learned a lot. So I don't regret it. It sucked really bad when it ended, and it really hurt, but I'm glad I got to experience things with her and grow as a person. But I've been thinking about the one major thing I'd change if I could.

When we were together, I just enjoyed her company. I simply liked being with her. I liked learning about her life and her friends. I was genuinely interested. I enjoyed her stories. I liked just being in the same room as her, or facetiming on our iPhones, talking on the phone or texting, or even knowing that she was thinking about me. I liked looking at her and being amazed at how beautiful she is. I enjoyed doing the things that she wanted to do. I wanted her to be happy. If she was comfortable and smiling, then I was having a great night. But maybe that wasn't enough on my end.

If by some miracle I do ever date anyone, I will make one major change. I will bring more of myself to the table. I thought I was doing a good thing by being interested in her, but I'm starting to think that isn't enough. Maybe it's a good idea for you to give the other person something to be interested in.

I let her take control of everything. Everything was her decision. For the most part, we were in her territory. We mostly hung out in the small town where she lives. She was in charge and I was along for the ride. I didn't mind, and I'm sure she thought it was fun. I had a blast. But perhaps there wasn't very much substance to that.

If I could go back in time, I'd fix that. Even if I knew it would have the same outcome, I'd still like to change it. If I somehow find myself in a relationship with someone someday, I will be more present. I will lead the conversation on occasion. I will take her to places that mean something to me. I will bring her into my world.

I'm not saying that I wont feel the same way and do the same things that I did last time, but I'll also bring my own elements into the relationship. Maybe bring it some balance. Give her something to be intrigued by.

New Years And Stuff

I've never made a new years resolution. Ever.

The new year means nothing. Everyone talks about having a chance to start over and stuff, but it never made sense to me. It just means that I write different numbers down whenever I'm writing the date. That doesn't change things. It doesn't make my problems go away. Things aren't magically the way I want them to be. It doesn't fix friendships and relationships. It doesn't make these thoughts and memories leave my head.

I don't make new years resolutions because I make decisions to change things all year round. Whenever I need to fix something, get rid of something, start doing something, or whatever, I just do it. I don't wait for a new year to start. That just seems stupid to me.

There is no such thing as a new beginning. I can't go back and do things differently. I have to roll with whatever I have.

Now, if a new calendar year is enough to get people motivated to accomplish something, than awesome. I wont discourage them. But we all know that few people actually follow through with their new years resolutions.

On another note, I am looking forward to certain parts of 2011. As a whole, I have the sense that 2011 will be a pretty mundane year. I don't foresee many crazy awesome things happening. But I am looking forward to buying a car, going to college, and stuff like that. I also have this new knowledge of who I am, so I can be a much more confident and secure person.