Everyday thoughts of the past go through my head. I can't stop them. People keep asking me why I'm so quiet on random occasions and I can't tell them. I am preoccupied. The thoughts are heavy and I miss the reality that they used to represent. I'm often lost in a world that was, but is no more. They come out of the blue, at whatever moment they please. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. It's been a long time now. I'm over it. It doesn't hurt anymore. I've accepted everything. I'm moving on with my life. I just miss that time, I miss her, I miss those feelings, and I'm not sure where to go from here.
There are times that, in contrast to that entire last paragraph, I'm loud and obnoxious. I act crazy. People like that version of me. I like that version of me. But I'm only that person when I'm forcing myself to forget. When I push those thoughts away from my mind and I do whatever it takes to keep them away. I'm intentionally scatter brained because that's the only way things make sense.
I'm at a very weird point in my life. I don't know how long it has been since everything, I stopped thinking about it. But it's been a while. And in many regards I'm ready to move forward. There is a particular girl that catches my fancy. She would be good for me in many regards. She's responsible in ways that I'm not, and I think I probably need that in a girl. She's smart, attractive, kind, and has a good grasp on her future. Out of everyone in this world, she's the only girl that has that extra something that makes her stand out to me as someone I could pursue. As is always the case, things are a little complicated. I've been told that she's said before that she doesn't want to date in college, and she has two years left. I'm getting signals that she might be interested, which would be cool, but I sometimes confuse friendship with something more. I don't have any idea how to pursue a girl.
And I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready.
Sometimes I'm afraid that no one will ever live up to her.
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