What I'd Change

Whenever things go wrong, it seems people often say things like "I don't regret anything" and "I wouldn't do anything differently". I'm usually like that. I mean, I don't say those things about my life as a whole. There are many things I regret. A lot of things I'd like to change. But as far as it goes for specific events, I'll look back and agree that I wouldn't do anything different. Well, the truth is, with this last experience, there are a few things I wish I could change.

I don't really regret anything. While it was all happening, I truly enjoyed it. I was the happiest I've ever been, and maybe ever will be. It also helped change me for the better. I grew and learned a lot. So I don't regret it. It sucked really bad when it ended, and it really hurt, but I'm glad I got to experience things with her and grow as a person. But I've been thinking about the one major thing I'd change if I could.

When we were together, I just enjoyed her company. I simply liked being with her. I liked learning about her life and her friends. I was genuinely interested. I enjoyed her stories. I liked just being in the same room as her, or facetiming on our iPhones, talking on the phone or texting, or even knowing that she was thinking about me. I liked looking at her and being amazed at how beautiful she is. I enjoyed doing the things that she wanted to do. I wanted her to be happy. If she was comfortable and smiling, then I was having a great night. But maybe that wasn't enough on my end.

If by some miracle I do ever date anyone, I will make one major change. I will bring more of myself to the table. I thought I was doing a good thing by being interested in her, but I'm starting to think that isn't enough. Maybe it's a good idea for you to give the other person something to be interested in.

I let her take control of everything. Everything was her decision. For the most part, we were in her territory. We mostly hung out in the small town where she lives. She was in charge and I was along for the ride. I didn't mind, and I'm sure she thought it was fun. I had a blast. But perhaps there wasn't very much substance to that.

If I could go back in time, I'd fix that. Even if I knew it would have the same outcome, I'd still like to change it. If I somehow find myself in a relationship with someone someday, I will be more present. I will lead the conversation on occasion. I will take her to places that mean something to me. I will bring her into my world.

I'm not saying that I wont feel the same way and do the same things that I did last time, but I'll also bring my own elements into the relationship. Maybe bring it some balance. Give her something to be intrigued by.