I'm terribly afraid of spiders. It's not so much a, "Oh my gosh, they're going to kill me" kind of fear. It's an irrational fear, I know that. I know I shouldn't be afraid of them, but I can't help it. Being afraid of spiders has kept me from being able to do some things, or to fully enjoy many other things.
I've had a lot of fears over the years. And, just like with spiders, I've realized that fear will prevent you from being able to enjoy something, or maybe even to do it at all.
I want to rid myself of fear. I want a better life. I actually already have let go of some fears, and it's always a refreshing experience.
Something I discovered recently is that I'm afraid of being happy. As much as I say that I want to be happy, I'm afraid of getting to that place. I've been there before. It was a remarkable time. The best period of my entire life. I'd give anything to be able to live like that for the rest of my life. But it was taken away from me. I'm afraid of that happening again. I'm afraid that just when life seems good, things will go sour again. I'm keeping myself guarded. I'm not guarding myself from feeling, but I wont let myself pursue anything, relational or otherwise, that could make my feel truly happy. It's kind of like being afraid of being hurt, but it somehow feels different. I don't want to live this way, either way.
And I feel the same way about other people, especially couples. I like seeing people happy. But I'm always afraid that something will go wrong and they'll end up hurt. I've seen it happen too many times. I never say anything because I don't want to ruin what they might have, or I don't want them to get mad at me. And I could always just be paranoid. But I'm afraid for them.
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