Sometimes

I know I'm only 19. I know that, in some regards, I'm still relatively young.

I know that I still have many years ahead of me.

I know I'll be going to college and meeting lots of new people. I know that I still have lots of adventures yet to be had. I know that sometime, hopefully soon, I'll be buying a car and my situation will drastically change. I know there are still a lot of years that I have left to live.

But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to die alone.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I will never find someone. I'm terrified of the idea that I wont ever feel that happiness again, at least not in that way. Sometimes I'm worried that I was meant to be alone.

But that doesn't make sense. If there was only one person in this world that was supposed to fall in love, it would have to be me. It's what I was made for. It's what my life revolves around. It has been the only thing on my mind since I was 10.

My mom was engaged when she was my age. I know that times have changed, and that my dad was older and stuff. But still.

I've also exhausted all my resources. All the girls that I know are either dating someone or I could never be interested in them. That's why it seemed so perfect with this last girl. I've known her off and on for like 5 years, but I never really got to know her. Then suddenly our worlds were intertwined. It all felt like it was just orchestrated in some beautiful way. I thought it was a God thing. But whatever - I'm trying to move on.

So I'll have to meet someone new. But I don't really plan on dating a girl from the college I'm going to go to. I'd never go there with the plan to hook up with someone. Besides, most girls that go there wouldn't be my type. And I would never date anyone that I work with.

I feel like I'll be that lonely 40 year old man who will never find a girl.

This is the fight that is going on inside me constantly. It can be more than I can bear at times.

But I have to keep on hoping. I have to believe that I will be happy someday. That I will love someone and that person will love me. It's the only thing that I have to live for.