The Freight Train

I'm watching Inception. I actually paused the movie to write this. I'm at the scene where Mal takes Cobb out onto the ledge. It reminds me of a certain feeling. A feeling I've only truly felt once.

You can tell that at first he's hoping that he can talk her out of it. That he can talk some sense into her, and that things will be okay. But she doesn't stop. She keeps talking, and you can tell by the look in Cobb's face and the urgency in his voice that he knows he can't stop it.

He tries. He's desperate. It means everything to him, but he knows that it's out of his control. It's a mix of desperation, confusion, anger, worry, sadness, a sense of being lost, and maybe some of that "I just want to die right now" feeling.

It's like lying on some railroad tracks and seeing a freight train coming, but you can't move because someone has tied you down. You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do to avoid it, but you have to try. The words don't stop coming, the train just keeps charging forward. No matter how much you plead, things aren't going to end well.

I've only felt that once. It included hyperventilating, wanting to break my phone, wanting to punch a wall, a lot of tears, the need to just yell, and a lot of other things. It's the biggest mix of emotions I've ever encountered, all emotions that are terrible on their own.

I don't ever want to go through that again.