It's not that I have some tragic memories attached to Christmas, like a loved one dying, my parents getting divorced, or something like that. The worst memories I have are consistently getting spanked on Christmas because I was a rebellious little child that didn't like to follow rules and traditions. I just don't like it.
I don't like Christmas music. I get made fun of because of that all the time. It seems that so many people love it, and I hate it. It's not that I just dislike it, I loathe it. It depresses me. There are enough things that can depress me, I don't need something else. Call me a scrooge, grinch, or whatever. I don't care. The only Christmas songs that I can stand are the ones about lost love. Everything else makes me want to punch a wall.
I'm a Christian, and being such people expect me to appreciate Christmas because of "the reason for the season". The thing is, I can't. When I look at the history of Christmas, it has nothing to do with Jesus. I can't stand Christians who get uptight because people have forgotten what 'Christmas is about'. Christmas started as a pagan holiday, get over it. Now it's overly commercial and materialistic. I don't even care. Moreover, I have to wonder if the whole Christian emphasis on Christmas is a good thing. I mean, I'm glad Jesus came to earth. Believe me, it's amazing, it's the basis of my existence. But maybe Jesus would prefer we put more emphasis on some of the other parts of his life, or his teachings. I dunno. I feel that we all know he came to earth, let's focus on something else.
The whole holiday season kind of just depresses me. Most holidays do. I'm no longer good at pretending. I can't lie to people about how I'm doing. I don't do well with crowds of happy people. I'm not good at groups of relatives and stuff. It seems that people always ask how your life is doing, but I'm always doubtful that it's anything more than mindless conversation. Do they really want to know? What if I responded, "Pretty crappy. I'm trying to mend a broken heart. Figuring out what life's all about. I just want to be happy, but I don't know how." People don't say those kinds of things, so it gives other people license to ask those questions without fear of hearing an honest answer.
I'm also getting older. I never really got excited over Christmas, but now I feel nothing. It's a day where I'm off work, we eat a large meal, and I receive a few gifts. It's cool, but it's not terribly important to me. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I appreciate every gift I get. I appreciate the fact that I'm in a place where I'm privileged enough to receive presents. However, I kinda wish that some people who give me gifts wouldn't. Last year my sister-in-law sold plasma in order to buy my siblings and me gifts. That wasn't necessary. If you can't afford it, I'd rather you keep your money. I don't buy many people much of anything because I'm saving my money. I'd totally understand. I really appreciate it, but I'd prefer if you put your money to better use than buying me a gift.
I want to like Christmas. I really do. I just don't know if I ever will.
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