I Will Feel

I've struggled for a lot of my life. It's not that I've had a terrible life, because I haven't. Compared to many people in this world, I live an easy life. It's just been a bunch of emotional crap. A lot of it having to do with girls, even more having to do with me not liking myself. It's really too much to put into one post, and it's not really the topic of this entry, but I will definitely elaborate in several posts in the future. I'm going to focus on just one thing for now.

At one point in my life I was going through so much emotional stuff and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was the same thing that had been going on for years, and it was all piling up. It was driving me crazy. The pain was simply too much for me to handle. I made a decision, a decision that no one should ever make. I chose to not feel.

I became numb. Literally no emotions. It hurt too much to feel, so I wasn't going to do it. Sure, I still had a sense of humor and could laugh at jokes, but there was nothing deeper. I couldn't feel any pain, but I also couldn't truly be happy. Worst mistake of my life.

This lasted for about a year. After that year I slowly allowed myself to feel some things, but kept my emotions closely guarded. It wasn't until sometime this past year that I finally let myself completely feel. But I'm still terribly afraid of being hurt.

It's hard to interact with other humans when you can't empathize with them even on the most basic of levels. And it really destroys your own personal development as a human being. To this day I still have to remind myself to feel things, and I'm constantly wondering if what I'm feeling is normal.

Recently some really good things were happening. I became truly very happy for the first time in forever. I let myself feel the most I have in a very long time. This past week, all that came crashing down. I can't really write on that subject, because I still don't fully understand it. But right now I'm hurting. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced before in my life.

The temptation to fall back into that trap and become numb again is so strong. It would be so easy. I wouldn't have to deal with these emotions that are tearing me apart. Honestly, I DON'T want to feel. But I'm choosing to do so.

I know that not feeling is a horrible thing, but at the same time it's extremely difficult to deal with these emotions. The pain is so bad. I'm finding it hard to remember why it's important to feel. As I'm writing this I can't really come up with any good reasons. But I will not go back to that place. I know now that feeling can be the best thing in the world. It's worth fighting for.

I choose to feel. I will feel.

Just bear with me while I have this crap ton of emotional breakdowns. Maybe someday I'll be happy again. It just might take a very long while.