Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot recently about what "happy" means to me.

I've written a lot about it before. Am I happy? Can I be happy? Yes, I can be happy. In fact, I will be happy. It seems that my thoughts on this matter keep changing. So maybe these next thoughts will be discarded soon enough.

I don't think I'm made to be happy. Like, I don't think it is something I'm intended to be. Sometimes I feel content, and I think that is the best feeling I'm allowed to have. If I can be rid of worries and hurt, then I consider it a win. That's when I'm content and that's the best I get.

To me, being "happy" would include being content, but it would also include just being excited about life. A sense of enjoyment in living. I don't have that. I can only recall one time I ever felt that way, and it lasted for about a month and a half. That time is long gone.

I know it seems everything I write is about my girl problems. And, yes, this is somewhat about that. It was when I was with a girl that I was "happy". But it's more than that. During that time, everything just felt right. I know a girl isn't going to fix me. I realize that I don't need a girl. Could a girl help? Possibly. But it isn't the answer. Maybe it was the particular girl I was with. Maybe it was the things she taught me. Maybe it was how she was the only one in the world that ever made me feel that way. All that aside, it may have been the things that happened in my mind during that time. It felt like I had someone rooting for me, I don't have that person anymore. I knew that someone cared about me, actually liked me, and trusted me. I had someone I could open up to, so I could get all these thoughts out and hear someone's opinions of them. All these qualities could be attained from someone without any romantic involvement.

All of that was about another person, though. Even before anything ever happened between us, she said that I had a lot of potential. To me, that was the greatest thing any person could have said. If someone says I'm good at something, I don't believe them. If someone says I suck, I will believe them and it will tear me apart. I don't know exactly what she meant by that statement, I never asked her because our conversation went elsewhere. But if someone says I show potential, it excites me. It reminds me that I have a future and someone thinks I could accomplish big things. It helped me to believe in myself.

Listen, I'm alright. I don't have anything figured out. I still break down sometimes. But every once in a while I feel content. I feel okay with my life. I don't wake up in the morning excited to live it, but I'm fine with it. That's a step up for me. Maybe there isn't a universal rule for humans. Maybe I will only be happy when I find someone. Perhaps different people are wired differently, and since I'm a romantic I need to be with someone. But that's not good for me. I could find a girl to be with somewhat easily, but it'd be nearly impossible for me to find someone that I'd be crazy about.

Or maybe I just need someone in my life to be there for me. I lack that person right now. Growing up and growing apart sucks.