I then realized that this was the old game plan. That's the way I've been living for quite some time. I prevented myself from feeling so I wouldn't be hurt.
Now, I'm not going to say I was in love with her. That's a rookie mistake. We weren't together long enough to give feelings of that magnitude a chance. Besides, who am I to even say that I know what love is? I do know that I had really strong feelings, that we had a good connection, and if given enough time it's possible that things might have gone down that road. I'm just saying that I was deciding to give up in general.
As I've written in here before, I had given up before. I had resigned to the thought that no one would ever have feelings for me. When she proved me wrong, I got excited. Not just because a girl liked me, but because she was honestly more than I've ever wanted or expected in a girl. Since things have ended, I've been asking myself a bunch of questions. "Will I ever really like a girl that much again?" "Will I find someone who is better for me than her (everybody keeps saying so)?" "Is there anyone out there who will prove me wrong again, will anyone like me?" "Will I ever fall in love?"
In my current state of being, my honest answer to those questions would have to be: "Probably not. But I'm gonna have to keep trying."
The feelings I had when I was with her were the best feelings I have ever had in my life. They were different than anything before. I was truly the happiest I have ever been. I wanted it to last forever, but maybe it wasn't meant to. If that was even a hint at what it would be like to be in love, then it's worth fighting for. It's worth being vulnerable and risking that gut wrenching, I just want to die, feeling that comes when it ends.
Those feelings were real, and they were the best things that have ever happened to me. I will have to keep trying. THAT is the new game plan.
You make me proud =)
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