What happened?

When I was younger, like even just a year ago, I was excitable. I was impulsive. People knew me as energetic and passionate. I was an attention whore. I was incredibly easy going. I was active. But that is no more.

I feel that it's still there somewhere, and I hope that it'll come to the surface again sometime soon. But I've really 'mellowed out' over the past year or so. It's not entirely bad, I just feel that it isn't who I am. I often feel that cliche feeling of having "the weight of the world on my shoulders".

Every once in a while a part of that energy will show, I just wish it was consistent like it used to be.

I think the first major event impacting this change in behavior was back in May/June when I had some girl troubles. It wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it did have a big affect on me. When I like a girl, everyone knows. I can't hide it. At times, it's been a major curse (I've had girls distance themselves from me because they realized I had feelings for them). My feelings drive me, and I'm incapable of stopping this while continuing to feel. When things weren't working out the way I would have preferred, I got really down. I was just really sad, and it showed. People were constantly asking me if I was okay. I went from a fun loving guy to someone who constantly had something on his mind.

The lack of excitement started showing in everything I did. My youtube videos started to majorly suffer. I hate a lot of them. I'm always so tired, and I'm distracted with all this crap going on inside my head. I feel that in a ton of my videos I seem really lame/bored/tired/forced. I'm taking some time off so that I can come back to them with some more umph.

I just really miss that excitement.

Paused Existence

I've struggled with depression for a long time. For most clinical cases of depression, it's caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. So, people who deal with depression often start at a young age, and may have to deal with it the rest of their lives (sometimes with the help of medication). I've had a few events in my life that have really shook my entire being. On only a couple of these occasions I've had this one particular feeling.

It's the desire to just stop existing. You kind of want to kill yourself, but not really. You realize that suicide is too extreme. It's irreversible, and wouldn't truly solve your problems. But you're overwhelmed. You can't take life anymore. You've lost all control, and you don't know what to do. Whenever I had this feeling I was experiencing incredible emotional pain, and I had no way of stopping it. You just wish that you could disappear for a while. Your world is falling apart. It feels like time is moving so slowly, yet everyone else around you is moving so fast. Nothing is right, and no one else seems to notice. All you want to do is cease to exist for some time, let things resolve, and come back when things are alright again.

Obviously, that's impossible. But it's all you feel in some extreme circumstances.

I don't feel that way now. I did, oh goodness I did, for about a week after October 3rd. But that's long gone. I was just reading something last night that someone posted where they talked about that feeling. I didn't know anyone else ever felt that way. It was incredibly comforting to know that I wasn't the only one. I need to remember these kinds of feelings so I can remind other people that I truly know how they feel.

Human Emotions

When things ended, when my life was falling apart, when the person I wanted to love told me it was no more, I wanted to hate her.

I've never been able to understand hate before. I've always been all about love, forgiveness, and peace. So the idea of being able to hate someone never made sense to me. I didn't know how it could exist. But for the first time ever, I understood it. I wanted to be angry. It would have been much easier to just be mad at her, to hate her, cut her entirely out of my life and never speak to her again. I think I discovered that you can never really grasp hate until love has let you down.

It explains all those angry songs out there. They're pretty much all about failed attempts at love.

But I couldn't hate her. She meant/means too much to me. Just because she decided that she didn't want to be with me anymore didn't mean that the things that made me crazy about her ceased to exist.

And you can't hold someone's feelings against them.

Every good story is a love story. Watch any movie. Though there are a few exceptions, almost every decent movie contains a love story. Whether it's the main story line, or a subplot, it's there somewhere. This is because it's something that everybody understands and has experienced. And it doesn't have to make sense. We all know that feelings are crazy things. It is a difficult task to control your emotions, and those of us that have learned to do so regret it. Love stories are fantastic stories because not everything has to be explained. Not everything has reasoning. It's just the way feelings are.

I can't be mad at her for the way she feels. Yeah, sure, it hurt(s) me. It really sucks for me. But that's the way life is.

Feelings and emotions are what make us human. You can't hold them against someone.

I Take Offense

My whole life I've been led to believe that guys are heartless creatures that only live to devour the heart of any girl who is willing to fall for them. I've spent all my teenage years trying to prove to girls that this is wrong. Well, now that idea just pisses me off.

It's a stupid idea. Sure, there are some jerks that fit that description. But I promise you there are some girls that fit that description as well. I know some perfectly nice guys, they're called my best friends. I AM a nice guy. In fact, it angers me that nice guys are ignored. I feel that, even though girls claim that they hate bad boys, they actually love them. Girls rarely give nice guys a chance.

I've come to the conclusion that there are a great number of both guys and girls that are wonderful human beings. There is also a decent number of both guys and girls that are players/jerks/heartless/unstable/casual lovers/stupid/other undesirable things. I'm so tired of hearing that guys are mean. No one should ever generalize something like that.

I swear, if I read another facebook status update about all guys being jerks, I'm going to stab a kitten.

What I'd Change

Whenever things go wrong, it seems people often say things like "I don't regret anything" and "I wouldn't do anything differently". I'm usually like that. I mean, I don't say those things about my life as a whole. There are many things I regret. A lot of things I'd like to change. But as far as it goes for specific events, I'll look back and agree that I wouldn't do anything different. Well, the truth is, with this last experience, there are a few things I wish I could change.

I don't really regret anything. While it was all happening, I truly enjoyed it. I was the happiest I've ever been, and maybe ever will be. It also helped change me for the better. I grew and learned a lot. So I don't regret it. It sucked really bad when it ended, and it really hurt, but I'm glad I got to experience things with her and grow as a person. But I've been thinking about the one major thing I'd change if I could.

When we were together, I just enjoyed her company. I simply liked being with her. I liked learning about her life and her friends. I was genuinely interested. I enjoyed her stories. I liked just being in the same room as her, or facetiming on our iPhones, talking on the phone or texting, or even knowing that she was thinking about me. I liked looking at her and being amazed at how beautiful she is. I enjoyed doing the things that she wanted to do. I wanted her to be happy. If she was comfortable and smiling, then I was having a great night. But maybe that wasn't enough on my end.

If by some miracle I do ever date anyone, I will make one major change. I will bring more of myself to the table. I thought I was doing a good thing by being interested in her, but I'm starting to think that isn't enough. Maybe it's a good idea for you to give the other person something to be interested in.

I let her take control of everything. Everything was her decision. For the most part, we were in her territory. We mostly hung out in the small town where she lives. She was in charge and I was along for the ride. I didn't mind, and I'm sure she thought it was fun. I had a blast. But perhaps there wasn't very much substance to that.

If I could go back in time, I'd fix that. Even if I knew it would have the same outcome, I'd still like to change it. If I somehow find myself in a relationship with someone someday, I will be more present. I will lead the conversation on occasion. I will take her to places that mean something to me. I will bring her into my world.

I'm not saying that I wont feel the same way and do the same things that I did last time, but I'll also bring my own elements into the relationship. Maybe bring it some balance. Give her something to be intrigued by.

New Years And Stuff

I've never made a new years resolution. Ever.

The new year means nothing. Everyone talks about having a chance to start over and stuff, but it never made sense to me. It just means that I write different numbers down whenever I'm writing the date. That doesn't change things. It doesn't make my problems go away. Things aren't magically the way I want them to be. It doesn't fix friendships and relationships. It doesn't make these thoughts and memories leave my head.

I don't make new years resolutions because I make decisions to change things all year round. Whenever I need to fix something, get rid of something, start doing something, or whatever, I just do it. I don't wait for a new year to start. That just seems stupid to me.

There is no such thing as a new beginning. I can't go back and do things differently. I have to roll with whatever I have.

Now, if a new calendar year is enough to get people motivated to accomplish something, than awesome. I wont discourage them. But we all know that few people actually follow through with their new years resolutions.

On another note, I am looking forward to certain parts of 2011. As a whole, I have the sense that 2011 will be a pretty mundane year. I don't foresee many crazy awesome things happening. But I am looking forward to buying a car, going to college, and stuff like that. I also have this new knowledge of who I am, so I can be a much more confident and secure person.